Fen's Diaries

I knew about her diaries, but it seemed she never had a thought she didn't blurt out loud so I certainly never had any occasion to read them before. Now I missed the sound of her voice prattling on, how every situation was somehow all about her. Whenever I'd chide her for being self-absorbed, her voice would get high-pitched as she adamantly pointed out how wrong I was.

There weren't any surprises inside, not even that she had torn out a number of pages. She was good-natured, compassionate and prone to jump into situations without thinking. In the rare event that she hurt someone beside herself in the process, she never really forgave herself.

I suppose she had a streak of modesty after all because she was ambivalent about her many accomplishments in her diaries. Before I can begin to set that right I need to shed some light on one of the most reluctant kings in all of history, the man she loved but refused to marry and the seemingly haphazard way our paths would cross.

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"Everything will be different now" from Fen's Memoirs

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The days seemed long at Gelassi, not to mention hot and dusty. In our attempts to reunite an extended family of fighters and clergy left with no one to serve and no other place to go it seemed that only the most opinionated and undiplomatic people of the three realms were sent there to establish a new order. Tironik was placed in command by Queen Naeri from the time the holy war's end. My position was to assist him in any way possible which usually meant breaking up the verbal rampages between Misha and Vay who were the primary voices of the two factions.

Nalev and D'Hir provided as much support as they could but the people, by and large, were slow to change their opinion of the Houseborne and were more than willing to let them be the problem of someone else. Since Gelassi was expanding westward through the legal purchase of farm land and even hunting grounds, the problem became my father's.

It had been weeks since Roarke left on his quest to bring order to the universe. Eyre Nalev had pulled through nicely after his near death experience and was ever sharing his years of wisdom with young Prince D'Hir. As for myself, even though I tried to avoid it, I was the third wheel to Misha and Tironik. It was really Tironik's doing. He feared the repercussions of their relationship since it didn't fit at all into the social structure of Kanabulan politics and was flew in the face of his overly stated position of love, adoration and undying devotion to his mistress the Queen.

A messenger found me while I was assisting Tironik with the delivery of Gelassi's first born child. As if I were not already feeling overly emotional, it was news from Roarke. At Tironik's insistence I waited for Misha who was finalizing the purchase of a large chunk of farmland. I quickly gathered my traveling clothes and all the money I had in my possession and sat and patiently waited for Misha's return that evening.

It was late when we arrived at the Inn of the Teapot. We went upstairs and judging by the commotion inside, it was not difficult to tell where they were staying. There was no answer when I knocked on the door, but we entered anyway. Eburgistraten, who I had not seen in many, many years failed to recognize me in his inebriated state. He was quite disheveled and cavorting with a good number of women, all of whom were expecting a sizable portion of the money I carried. Although the room was small it was so densely packed with flesh that it took me a few moments to realize Roarke was not present.

I turned back into the hallway just as he was returning. "Fen," he said awkwardly holding out his hands for me. "I was waiting for your downstairs, but you didn't notice me."

"Roarke." I placed the money in his hands. While I was relieved to see him well, it had been almost four months since he left with Paynor.

"I told the cook to send up something for you. It should be here soon." He paused.

"Hello, Misha."

"Your Highness," Misha responded politely.

Suddenly the room grew more quiet and one by one the women exited. Burgi had passed out with his head and upper torso hanging off the bed. At least we had some privacy to talk. Roarke sat on Burgi's bed and I removed my cloak and sat on the other bed.

"I'll go downstairs and see to the food," Misha excused himself.

"It's good to see you, Fen." He said warmly.

"I trust your mission went well."

"It did."

"What happened?"

"There's not much to tell really," he said as he scratched one side of his beard. "We went through the portal and immediately entered this all-encompassing white barrier. It was warm and bright and filled me with such peacefulness that it lulled me to sleep. When I awoke, unaware of how much time had passed, Ebugistraten had found me and Paynor was gone."

"An epic journey across time and space, and you spend it in slumber?"

"Asleep or awake, the outcome speaks for itself." Roarke's tone lightened, "Quite relieved that it's over with."

"He must remember something more."

"Perhaps. He's been preoccupied with making up for lost time. Tell me, how is Nalev?"

"Recovering nicely from his fall and is ever at D'Hir's side."

"Are they getting along well?"

I laughed. "Not according to the letters Misha receives from Nalev."

"I've missed your smile, Fen."

"I was afraid I'd never see you again. Considering how we left things--" I started defensively.

"I'm sorry, Fen, for everything. D'Hir confided in me about Dophe's involvement in Paynor's rise to power. As long as there was a chance that you and Neopar were co-conspirators, I had my doubts about you."

"What changed your mind? Was it Paynor?"

"I asked your mother to acquire the ring from Dophe and hide it with the things we brought from your quarters in Belaurii."

"Yes..."

"When you wrote to me, I felt that you were manipulating me by telling me what I wanted to hear. Then you showed up pregnant and I never asked... "

"It was Neopar's."

"And he didn't want you to end up like Delcine." Roarke paused. "But what changed my mind was when your mother told me about how you kept my letters and shirt all tucked away in a locked drawer. You couldn't have intended for me to know that. That was something private, yet so telling. I swear to you, Fen, I won't doubt you again. Everything will be different now."

"Of course it will be different now," Eburgistraten said as he stirred in his bed. "Where is everybody? Is that you, Fenaway?"

His voice was more hushed and he had a broad as he pulled on some clothing before walking over to me.

"How's my plump little potato?"

He gave me a hug so hard that I feared my ribs would break. "It's good to see you, too, Burgi." I took a deep breath after he let me go. "I was sure you'd be out until morning."

"Nonsense, Fenaway. Just needed to catch a few winks. Let me look at you. What a beautiful young woman you've become. Tell me I haven't missed the wedding? We've all waited so long for you and D'Hir to become married."

I looked at Roarke. "Hasn't Roarke told you--"

"Well, there's obviously so much for us to discuss," Roarke hesitated awkwardly and was much relieved at the return of Misha with the food.

We washed some dust from our hands and face from the ride before being seated. Burgi talked for hours telling us about the horrors that unfolded before the king-making. Finally, weariness won out and we began negotiating sleeping arrangements. Thanks to Roarke, my guardian still had the misplaced belief that D'Hir and I were betrothed. He further complicated the situation by his flat out refusal to share a bed with a page. As usual, I wound up with Misha.

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Lady T'Nal, by Misha

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My new life at the T'Nal's country estate was in a word: odd. There were one hundred and fifty rooms in the estate but very few resided there other than Lord Delrek, Zbinka, myself and about thirty servants including some with families. Lord Delrek T'Nal occupied the main wing of the mansion and remained remarkably aloof, though I know for a fact that he was kept surprisingly well-informed about his daughter's intrigues. Many years before, his outbreaks in the presence of King Dalma and the Council got him thrown out of the court. Lord Delrek had warned that the House was growing too powerful and that such an inequity of power would tear Eltesnia apart. As it turned out, he was right.

Guests were always wandering in and out and Zbinka was insistent that I make a proper impression. To that end, she worked diligently to indoctrinate me to the fine arts of social grace and political intrigue. She liked to flatter me by saying that I had the face and voice for both.

First she busied herself with my appearance and took great delight in filling my wardrobes with the finest and possibly most uncomfortable fashion that her money could buy. When I complained to her she straightened my shirt and told me that there were more important things in life than comfort.

"I don't want to be here," I complained and started biting my fingernails.

Zbinka flashed me a very cold look and I stopped. Then her face immediately warmed again. "You haven't had a chance to appreciate the enormity of the situation and your role in it. I need you to work with me, Misha."

Standing very close to me she scrutinized my every detail. She placed both hands on my face and almost seemed to look though me as though she were an artist looking at a blank canvas. Of course at the time I took her actions for something completely different.

"Could you not do that?" I asked politely.

"I think you need a beard. It would make you look older. More seasoned and steady."

"Excuse me?" I blurted out.

She laughed. "My dear Misha. While I may admire Lev's impeccable taste, you are far too young and head-strong for my liking." Then stepping back she noticed what I was attempting to conceal with my hands. "Perhaps a nice walk across the grounds would do you some good."

While her second objective was originally dining etiquette, she immediately decided that a lesson in self-control was long over due. She told me to meet her outside in the courtyard once I composed myself.

Outside she took me by the arm and began instilling in me the importance of propriety, or at least creating and maintaining the illusion of it. It was a lengthy lecture. Upon its conclusion I muttered, "Looks as though I get neutered after all."

"Misha, you're completely missed my point. Need I start over from the beginning?"

"Please, no," I sighed wondering if Lev was as truly miserable as I.

"Darling, you're just a great big ball of sexual energy and I assure you society will not tolerate that. Not from me and certainly not from a Houseborne."

"I really--"

"I know these people, Misha. A few of them I actually like and respect. But they will use you and cast you aside, and you will only succeed in hampering our cause."

"I have no interest in--"

"You should and you will," she proclaimed.


If Zbinka was adept at anything it was discretion. While we went back to the previously postponed lessons in dining etiquette, then on to dancing and horsemanship, I was never able to determine who exactly she was involved with, from among all of the house guests that spent the night, and it became a strange fascination of mine to figure out.

After a number of months of thinking about not thinking about sex I began having my own discreet encounters with some of the servants. What about Lev, you ask? Did he stay away for that long and became so completely far from my thoughts? No. Quite the contrary. He did visit his new home periodically, but the position had changed him. He was congenial enough with me but would always retire with Lady T'Nal. That wasn't the arrangement I had bargained for at all. Any attempt to confront Lev ended with him telling me that I had no idea what he was going through.

Being so thoroughly distanced from the one person I loved most, I threw my energy into becoming a much better student to my new mentor. Before long I was being led through society on Lady T'Nal's arm and causing every bit the stir for which she prepared me.

***

As time passed Lord Delrek became more and more reclusive. Since I hadn't known him in any other capacity I could only tell by the effect it had on Zbinka, who was rarely permitted entrance into his wing. Just under the surface of the vivacious, elegant composure with which she beguiled throngs of Eltesnia's elite was a woman terrified and helpless to stop her father's descent into the darkness. It came as little shock to her that he would poison himself; it was the socially acceptable conclusion. But it wasn't acceptable to Zbinka.

While her servants busy themselves with the details of a glorious send off for Lord Delrek T'Nal, Zbinka sat herself down with a bottle of strong drink and asked me to join her. It wasn't the time to object that I was forbidden from touching the stuff, so I agreed and tried to nurse my first glass as long as possible as she laid waste to the rest of the bottle. I had seen her handle much more than that at a party without so much as slurring one word as she debated politics with society's finest. She opened the second bottle and topped off my glass. She didn't want to talk, or to listen. She only wanted something to stop the pain.


We were awoken the next morning by a blinding explosion of light as someone opened the drapes in her bedroom. I remember thinking that servant deserved to be flogged until my eyes focused on the perpetrator. It was Lev.

"Your guests are arriving, Binky," he said calmly as he looked out the window.

I expected him to say something more, but he did not. Carefully averting his eyes from me, he waited patiently for Zbinka to dress so he could be the compassionate, dutiful husband and escort her downstairs.

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Alliances, by Misha

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By twenty years of age not only was I the oldest page in Eltesnian military history but I had surpassed my Eyre in both height and weight, so much so that I more closely resembled body guard than scribe. I was continually frustrated by my inability to take up arms in battle, but there were limits even to what Lev and Vay could get away with despite their influence with the King.

Yearly, Lev received the highly coveted invitation to participate in the Re-enactment of Entrapment. Despite the great honor he was recalcitrant. Clearly he had no intentions of getting naked and fornicating in the presence of the likes of Savlii and Paynor. It was one of those rare topics that we agreed on. Occasionally he would be invited to attend a royal birthday or wedding as was the case when Prince Roarke married Princess Adelaide of Belaurii.

The Prince looked anything but happy, which was no great surprise knowing his penchant for moodiness. He met his bride once or twice before the ceremony when they were both quite young. Her older sister Dophe was jilted at the altar by Prince Eburgistraten of Kanabulan when he entered into a secret alliance with Vay and King Dalma. Though Roarke knew little about the details, he was somewhat hopeful that years of clandestine planning would result in the freeing of the Lane in our time. That Roarke could be hopeful about anything was a remarkable feat in itself.

Dophe survived her first matrimonial disappointment by marrying her cousin Neopar from the Lesser house of Belaurii. The Lesser house was comprised of the relatives of exiled poet Jaun Sei most of whom now lived near the southern border with Eltesnia. Many presumed that the King was using Dophe to foster the allegiance of the "rebel blood". Dophe it seemed was more interested on flirting shamelessly with Councilman Paynor; her husband was much too distracted by every pretty face that walked by to take much notice.

Neopar's wandering eyes made it impossible to be flattered that he cast any attention toward me even though I must admit to complaining to Lev that I was the most under-dressed guest at the celebration. Even the dress uniform of a page screams perfunctory and pragmatic and I was humbled to be caught in the same drab clothing as Savlii's new boy, the second since I left his service.

I was soon distracted from my pettiness by the handle of Lev's cane as it slid along the inside of my thigh. After an eternity of watching Lev feign listening to the Halvren brothers riveting hunting stories, the King's cousin Lady Zbinka of T'Nal approached our table. Lady Halvren exchanged a curt greeting with Zbinka and excused herself. Lord Halvren smiled warmly and gave up his seat before vanishing into the crowd with his wife.

Zbinka was an odd contradiction, both refined and boisterous, her presence was felt when she walked into any room, and she would have it no other way. Approaching thirty and never married, she seemed to instantly get it in her head that Lev would make a good husband and proposed to him on the spot. The Erye told her that he was flattered by her offer, but that her interests would be better suited with another choice.

"My apologies, Erye Nalev," Zbinka started with a coy smile. "I have caught you at the disadvantage that you know little of me, while I know everything about you. Would you care to talk somewhere more private?"

Her father Lord Delrick had been thrown out of the Court years before for threatening that the heavy-handed authority of the House would tear apart the kingdom. It didn't seem that Lev needed to know more than that and his reply was a very polite "no." Zbinka perservered and persuaded both of us to join her in a quiet study. She explained, in great detail, her activities over the years in protest of the dehumanization of the Houseborne class. There had been rumors of her involvement for years, especially in the kidnappings of Houseborne males from their foster homes and subsequent placement elsewhere-- allegations that if proven would lead to her execution, royalty or not.

Lev thanked her for placing her trust in him but didn't see the benefit in an alliance. Clearly, she did and continued in her negotiations.

"Erye Nalev, you have become larger than life in your quiet yet subversive manner and put a face on a cause so many of us secretly defend. The two of you have broken infraction after infraction of the outdated and abhorrent code of conduct regarding the Houseborne and have managed to remain relatively unscathed. Alone, I'm not sure how much longer we can defy the system. Together, we represent a very powerful alliance that takes us much closer to the realization of our goals."

I wasn't aware that we had any such lofty goals, at least not before that night. But Zbinka made her impression on Nalev and before year's end he sought the blessings of the House for their union. As the figure head of authority for both the clerical and political power that Zbinka sought to challenge, Vay was wary of Lady T'Nal, but confident of Nalev's ability to control her. Control Zbinka? Vay may have been very wise, but she certainly didn't spend enough time with Zbinka if she thought that anyone could control her-- let alone Lev.


Lev and Zbinka had a spectacular wedding then vanished for a brief honeymoon, which consisted primarily of strategic planning both day and night between the three of us. As if vacationing with my lover and his new bride wasn't awkward enough, I always felt her gaze upon me.

The marriage seemed to signify a change with Savlii and he resumed his vocal attacks on Lev. We often played cards together, and since Lev had such terrible difficulty in reading, or so he was still claiming, I got to play his hands. Unlike Lev, I always won which added to Savlii's dissatisfaction.

"I can not believe you make me play with a page," Savlii huffed.

"I can not believe that you always lose to a page," Nalev scoffed.

"I don't know what you're trying to prove, Nalev. Your behavior lacks any semblance of propriety and can not be overlooked for much longer. Your familiarity with this man is an abomination."

"Unlike your familiarity with a child?"

"You've taken a military institution and made a complete mockery of it. You're entitled to a page, Eyre Nalev, not a wife."

"Actually, I'm entitled to both and have done a reasonable job in keeping both satisfied. Which is more than I can say for your relationships. Who was it your wife ran off with again? Your brother, as I recall."

"Mock me if you will. I will see you driven out of the army," Savlii said and got up, his young page shuffling after him.

"Eyre Savlii, aren't you forgetting something?" Lev asked.

Savlii threw some money down on the table and left. It was always good to see him leave.



As it turned out taunting the superior officer, though immediately rewarding was not beneficial in the long run. The political climate of Eltesnia and especially within the high court of Cznorh was changing, distancing itself from the powerful intrusion of the House while elevating the authority of the King's Council. King Dalma vehemently opposed this shift from the start, but he was swayed over time by the pervasive efforts of those closest to him. The direct ramification for us was that Nalev's ties to the House mattered less and less. And Savlii was poised for retribution.

Lev was promoted to the Office of Disciplinary Affairs which had the dubious honor of trying and executing all offenders of Houseborne misconduct, including infractions perpetrated by Eltesnian citizens. Savlii took enormous satisfaction in knowing that his nemesis spent every waking hour treading lightly with his personal life while being forced to uphold a system that he despised. I remained with Lev as his secretary for a number of months before he had a sudden miraculous recovery with his eye sight and sent me to live with Zbinka as her guard.

Lev had been responsible for my intellectual and emotional rebirth. Lady T'Nal had other aspirations for me, as I would soon find out.

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Convalescence, by Misha

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My service to Savlii had ended. Vay did her best to comfort me but I hardly heard a word she was saying. I was far too anxiety-ridden about my immediate future as I sat there concentrating on the tiny crunching sound emanating from inside my head as I gnawed off every last fingernail. A woman came to get Vay and they disappeared leaving me all alone in her quarters. I tried to resign myself to my new life. It was quite an opportunity for a page. Normally only Houseborne soldiers who had either sustained significant injury or simply grown too old to fight were admitted to academic pursuits. And, yes, even they were subject to becoming an eunuch first. Eltesnia certainly couldn't afford to have an educated and well-fed bastard class spawning their discontentment at the expense of the winning the Holy War against Kanabulan.

Vay returned what seemed an eternity later. Her lips moved; eventually her words began to register once I noticed that she was smiling. It seemed that Lev had challenged Savlii to a game of cards and made him an offer far too tempting to pass up: he wagered his title as general against my transference to him. Because everyone in the hospital knew Lev to be one of the worst card players of all time, Savlii accepted and expected quick, satisfying victory. I should have liked very much to have been there to see the look on his face when Lev beat him.


That is how an unbelievably handsome valiant young general had risked his career to acquire me but didn't have a bloody clue what to do with me. Every attempt to comfort or assist him in any capacity was immediately thwarted. He insisted on dressing himself even though he could barely stand on his bad leg. I tried to work with him in his rehabilitation but he coldly informed me that was the job of his doctors and nurses. He was very proud and equally frustrated that his convalescence should take so long. I kept my distance from him and even found myself almost fondly reminiscent of the hairy beast that smelled of rotten cheese, at least until he would pay his next visit accompanied with his new page. Had I ever been as young and innocent as the lanky freckle-faced boy that now hung on his every word and gesture?

Other than Savlii and his new boy, Lev was visited regularly by a gaggle of priestesses, artists and scholars. Vay herself generally joined us for mid-day and evening meals when she wasn't tending to matters in the House. Most people loved Nalev. He was a phenomenal listener which somehow made him seem much wiser than his years.

Without any duties to speak of I spent much of my time sweeping the floor and dusting all the plants. Occasionally Lev would glance over at me but tended to be silent unless he was entertaining company. The only company I disliked were the priestesses. Savlii came to bark at Lev and criticize Vay, but the ladies of the House were too familiar with Lev from his days serving as High Priest and many seemed just as likely to jump into bed with him as shake his hand upon greeting him.

To take my mind away from the absurdity of my situation, I confiscated some paper left on the table, picked up a pen and began to draw the incredibly shiny plants. By my own estimation, I wasn't that bad so I kept drawing. Soon I attempted Lev.

"What's bothering you, Misha?" Lev asked peering over the top of his book.

"Nothing," I said and continued to draw.

"You're moping around like a dejected child."

I looked up from my drawing. By now he was staring me down not in an angry way but in a very determined way none the less. It was hardly in keeping with my standing as page to speak let alone release the tirade that ensued. When I finally I stopped talking I remember feeling much relieved. Then there was the silence. A terrible silence that slapped me back to reality.

Lev raised on eyebrow, paused then said, "You're jealous."

"That's a ridiculous thing to say!" I protested. It was a ridiculous thing to say but far more ridiculous that it was true.

"The priestesses are merely assisting in my rehabilitation. After spending a few years with Savlii I suspect a little rehabilitation would do you some good as well."

He laughed at me then went back to his book and I to my drawing. At least I pretended to draw. Before too long he hobbled out of bed to sit near me at the table.

"I knew I was good-looking, but that really is remarkable," he said with a wide grin.

"Thank you," I said staring intently at the drawing. His kicked his good leg next to mine and it startled me causing me drop my pen.

"You are jealous," he said leaning toward me. "That's sweet."

I assumed that he was mocking me until he kissed me and I felt his fingertips digging into my thigh. I savored every turn of his mouth and the warmth of his breath on my face, yet each action, glance or word seemed to be a contradiction of the one before. Pausing for a moment I rested my forehead against his and bit down hard on my lip.

"I don't know what you want, Lev," I confessed.

There was another long and terribly awkward pause before he banged his head against mine a few times hoping to knock some sense into me, "When you figure it out, let me know."

I picked up my pen from the floor and set it gently, quietly onto the table. Lev sat back in his chair and began looking through my other drawings. One in particular was a very elaborate map I was working on. I had tried to remember every detail of "No Man's Land" from my time with Savlii.

"You know how to write." Lev looked up from the map and gazed at me more with contemplation than consternation. I sat motionless as my heart and mind began to race. There was no use in denying it-- even if, unlike jealousy, it was a grave offense.

"Can you read?" Nalev asked.

"It is forbidden..." I stammered.

"Answer the damn question, Misha."

"Yes," I admitted quietly fixating on some dust on the plant on the table.

"Who taught you?"

"I'd rather not say."

"You have a problem with following rules," Nalev observed. "Did Savlii know?"

"No. I don't think so."

"Then why would he be so set on sending you off to become headmaster?"

"I can assure you that he never discussed any of his motivations with me."

He studied the map a while longer and a pleased look came across his face, "You did all this from memory?"

"I spent a lot of time there. I really couldn't help picking up the names of the places."

"How far from Kestri to Nethua?" He asked.

"Fifteen miles."

"Nethua to Cznorh?"

"47 miles."

"Ravnesh to Mt. Vondra?"

"101 miles." I paused. "Unless it's the wet season and the northeastern section of the Ibiere swells so badly that you need to go via Timbledown. Then it becomes 132 miles."

"Bring me that dark green book over there." He pointed to a book on the shelf next to the large window.

"General Asden's Journal?" I asked.

"It's a green book surrounded by green foliage, yet you know exactly which one I'm talking about?"

"I must have noticed it when I was taking care of the plants."

"You've been reading my books," he accused.

"No." It was the truth. I had read many of Savlii's books when he was out of sight. Other than Lev's books of poetry, their collections were about the same.

"Just bring me the book," he said waving off my excuses.

I set the book in front of him and he opened it to one of Asden's maps of "No Man's Land". He compared it with mine for a few moments then pointed to the spot on mine just southeast of where the Gadler joins up with the much larger Ibiere.

"What's here?" Lev asked.

"Gelassi?" I asked in reply.

"You didn't include it."

"I'm wasn't finished with the map."

"There's not so much as a dot."

"There's not very much there. Most of it was destroyed when the Great Quiet ended."

"So many legends of gold and gems, but treasure hunters didn't dare disturb the finest farmland in three countries. Only war would be foolhardy enough for that," he said under his breath.

"You've been there?"

"When the great poet Jaun Sei was exiled from Belaurii for his satire he bought some land in Gelassi and married the neighboring farmer's daughter, thinking it would be good for someone to know a thing or two about agriculture. He had nine sons and five daughters. When his wife's father died he inherited his sizable and more profitable farm securing the futures of his children. Jaun Sei's third oldest son was named Waelin; Waelin was my father."

He turned to the start of Asden's account then he had me read aloud, but proceeded to interrupt me at the slightest infraction of mispronunciation, tone or diction. I had learned from my foster sister, a mere child that had put herself at great risk by disobeying the law. Serena was my sole friend and only comfort those long seven years when I was raised by her drunkard father. Now I was being challenged by a overzealous intellectual task master. Writing would prove even more painful as I routinely received a crack over the hand if I appeared to lose interest and concentration.

"Why does it have to be perfect?" I protested.

"Because, Misha, I will not have you handling my correspondences in a shoddy manner. I am in need of a secretary. I find that I have great difficulty reading since the accident."

"I haven't noticed."

"Are you telling me what I see, Misha?" He glared at me.

"No, of course not, Erye Nalev. However, I think you would be better suited by a proper secretary. I hardly think using your page--"

"I have no need of a page!" Nalev said crossly.

"Yes, Erye Nalev."

I clearly remember wanting to take that stick away from him and bash him over the head on occasions too numerous to recollect over those long, grueling months at the hospital. Clearly Lev was testing my mettle yet he gave no indication as to how I was doing. While it was terribly frustrating it was also challenging and flattering that he spent so much of his time tormenting me.

***

We had finally entered the last stretch of Lev's recovery where he got to shed the awful leg contraption for good and began to walk about with only a cane. It seemed that he was in more pain than usual because of his increased activity, but he was in much better spirits and he pushed himself much harder than even his doctors would have liked.

Late one morning, after a long walk and longer swim, we returned to our quarters to get ready for lunch. While changing he lost his balance and he actually thanked me for steadying him. Only a month before he would have sooner hit the floor than accept my help.

"Misha, you would make a fine headmaster." He sat down on at the foot of his bed and stretched his leg with a slight grimace. "If you had the chance, would you do it?"

"Go to the academy?"

"Yes."

"Are you trying to get rid of me?"

"You're really far to intelligent to make a good lap dog. I'd have no trouble getting you in. There's really no way around the nasty entrance requirement."

"You're asking me if I'd rather be castrated or be your page?"

"Companion," he corrected.

I studied his face for any expression, but he was holding back so as not to influence my decision. My decision? For the first time in my life I had a choice. It wasn't even a small and insignificant choice like what time I awoke or what I'd wear for the day.

"Do I have to give you my answer now, or can I think about it?"

"Take all the time you need."

"I'll stay," I replied.

"You're sure?"

"After all these months of testing, was that the right answer?"

"I don't know if it's the right answer, but it was the answer I was hoping for."

I carefully pinned him to the bed and kissed him. He protested ever so slightly that the timing was wrong and endeavored to work harder to convince him otherwise. Absolutely nothing was going to interrupt us this time. Not him. Not me.

But the knock on the door was another matter completely. It wasn't one of those just ignore them and they'll think no one's home sort of knocks. It was Vay telling us that the King and Prince had finally arrived.

"Finally?!" I looked at Lev. "You knew they were coming?"

"I told you it wasn't the right time."

"But the bloody King?! Didn't you think that was important to mention?" I straightened my clothes and ran my fingers through my hair. "How do I look?"

"If you didn't look so damn good we wouldn't be having this argument in the first place," he muttered. "Would you please relax."

I finally understood what it was about Lev that so infuriated Savlii; Lev was impetuous and reckless. While I found those traits quite endearing I was far too young and smitten to foresee that I'd spend the rest of my life bailing him out of dire situations.

There was another set of knocks at the door and Lev answered it, smiling warmly. Even with all of the visitors that came and went, I was flabbergasted to witness King Dalma and young Prince Roarke walk through the door.

King Dalma was a large man with dark features. His wore the dress uniform of the King's Army, with just enough gaudy embellishment to stand out. He had served as his father before him and his before that. The difference was that Dalma didn't have the benefit of serving during the Great Quiet-- a truce that lasted for nearly 75 years -- and he had battle scars to prove it.

The Prince looked to be about my age. His complexion was lighter than his father's but his expression much darker. He wore the plain robes of the priesthood, the type generally worn while performing manual labor around the hospital but also used during mourning. In his case, it was the latter as his only sister had poisoned herself earlier that same year.

King Dalma embraced Lev in a very ceremonious way then helped him to his seat at the table before sitting down.

"Did we call at a bad time?" The King asked.

"It is always a pleasure to be in the presence of our Most Illustrious Majesties." Lev replied and smiled at the Prince. "And how is my star pupil doing today?"

"Fine, Eyre Nalev." Roarke's face was sullen and voice unconvincing.

"King Dalma, Prince Roarke, allow me to introduce... " Lev started.

"As if you're not already the talk of the whole court and army. Oh the earful I get from Paynor. He and Savlii would like nothing more than to see you horsewhipped, thrown out of the army, killed then horsewhipped some more."

"Fortunately for me your cousin doesn't rule the country." Lev said smugly.

"And he never will," Dalma promised. "How are you doing, Lev?"

"I am improving every day and should like very much if you could use your persuasion with Vay to have me released for duty soon."

"In due time, Lev. Besides if you hurry off who's going to finish teaching Roarke Ancient Dzai in time for his first Re-enactment?"

"This is the big year." Lev looked at the Prince who had a blank expression. "I assume you're concerned with more than general pronunciation," he said with a knowing look to the father.

"He'll be staying here until the beginning of Purlong. Do have him ready by then," Dalma patted Lev's hand and winked at him. "Make me proud. It's Paynor's turn to attend this year and I intend to remind him whose side of the family is in power," he said as he left the room.

"Well, grab your books from the shelf and have a seat, Prince Roarke."

It was unheard of for a page to sit down with royalty, let alone study with them but Lev was more than accommodating and the Prince couldn't have cared less. Before too terribly long Lev picked up his stick and cracked it over the Prince's writing hand. I didn't do a good enough job at stifling my laughter and both Lev and Roarke shot me an angry look before they, too, began to laugh. For the Prince it was actually more of an exasperated sigh that escaped through clenched teeth. As for me, it grew into a hearty belly laugh as I finally caught the innuendo between the King and Lev. The gaggle of priestesses would be far too busy acclimating Roarke for the less cerebral requirements of the Re-enactment to bother themselves with Lev. My life, though from perfect, had become quite tolerable.

***

The Re-enactment of Entrapment was the most highly revered tenant of the Dzai religion and also the greatest fundraiser for the House. While active participants were almost exclusively either royalty or wealthy landowners, merchants and humble politicians outbid each other for the highly coveted spectator booths. By the sheer definition of the word, it was an orgy, but a fully-orchestrated and efficiently synchronized orgy. It was considered very lucky to be conceived during the Re-enactment. Personally, I never saw the benefit of it. My mother was one of a few hundred prostitutes, it was against House custom to reveal her identity, and my father was some rich influential man with no concern for either of us. Prince Roarke and I were born within a week of each other and I had the nagging curiosity as to whether or not we were related and wound up at the opposite ends of society.

Prince Roarke was brilliant, intellectually speaking, and I enjoyed the debates he and Lev would have about the ancient texts. There were times that his mood would lift, usually after spending some time with Renet Palidora, a saucy and curvaceous red head, with who he had become quite smitten. Even so when Purlong came along I knew I'd miss his company.

Next ->

All Too Familiar, by Misha

<- Previous

While en route to Kanabulan, we had the occasion to visit the Hot Springs of Ur, and I wasted no time shedding my dusty travel clothes and settled in for some long-overdue relaxation. A few moments later I was joined by Fen who lowered herself into the water complaining that it was too hot. Eburgistraten came running from the large rock where he set his clothes and jumped in with a hearty yell. Only Roarke had misgivings about joining us and he paced uncomfortably at a respectable distance.

Eventually Eburgistraten was able to persuade the reluctant king to remove his shoes and put his legs into the water which brought him closer to the conversation. Unfortunately the topic soon veered from saving the world to honoring the betrothal contract between Fen and D’Hir.

“And once I’m in Kanabulan I’ll get started with the plans. What better way to proclaim the unification of our countries than a wedding,” Eburgistraten proclaimed.

Fen looked to Roarke to say something, but he was silent. Eburgistraten also wanted his contribution to the matter.

Roarke managed a compliant, “Yes.”

I knew it wouldn’t be long before Fen voiced her concerns. Surprisingly, all of her objections were nullified by her guardian. Whatever involvements she had would be forgiven when she chose to honor the betrothal. Forgiven? Due to her respect for Burgi she chose not to lash out at him. I don’t think any other man would have gotten away with that comment. I decided to interject.

“What the two of you seem to be over-looking is the fact that legally Fen is my wife,” I stated firmly.

“To you,” Eburgistraten dismissed my comment with a roll of his eyes. “A simple annulment will take care of that.”

“I have no intention of agreeing to an annulment. Without either my willingness or Fen’s, I don’t believe you can proceed.”

“Why involve yourself in this, Misha? It’s not like you can prove you’ve consummated…” Roarke began.

“Actually we can. You fail to recognize just how familiar the court of Belaurii has been with us.”

Roarke said in disgust, “You expect me to believe that you have witnesses?”

“Yes.” I confirmed.

Roarke stood and walked far away from us. Eburgistraten slowly got out of the water. “Well, that does seem to complicate the matter.”

Fen turned to me and thanked me for defending her honor.

“To be sure, Princess, it is those men that would defend your honor. I choose to defend your interests.”

Next ->

Breaking Point, by Misha

<- Previous

As a soldier, the news should not have affected me as it did. I went to find him, hoping that I would have the fortitude not to wring the life from his fat little neck...

"You spineless, shameless excuse for a king!" I said.

I pushed him into the wall and attempted to wring the life from Neopar's neck. It was amazing how quickly the guests quieted down. I'll admit I was more preoccupied with his quickening pulse as he tensed his neck muscles than to the party I had just disrupted.

"You call yourself a king? Belaurii is in civil war and you hide here eating and drinking while we fight your fight!"

"Misha!" Zbinka exclaimed in hushed horror. "Let him go."

I reluctantly complied and he continued to stare at me with that disconcerting grin on his sweaty face. He reached for a drink. Two servants abruptly took away my weapons.

"What were you thinking?" Zbinka scolded.

"Rad'en' and the prince have been captured," I said.

"I know, Misha. We need more troops and right now you're hampering the only means at my disposal to rectify that problem."

"Perhaps his countrymen would remain loyal if he did not necessary to flee--"

"Misha, Rad'en' is a soldier. You have to trust that he can take care of himself and D'Hir. I think you should leave now." Zbinka insisted.

"Misha, I'm sure we could both benefit from discussing this." Neopar said.

I turned and exited the grand home I had occupied many times before yet it never felt so completely foreign. Once outside there was a familiar face waiting to return my weapons. Zyta had been lady-in-waiting to Zbinka since her return to Eltesnia.

"Do not trust him, Misha," Zyta said quietly as her eyes darted around us.

"What is it, Zyta?"

"He had my father killed because he held out on the creation of the stone. There's no way he would give up the secret of the imponderables. Not for his life or that of anyone else."

"Does your lady know?"

"No. I don't know who else I can trust, Misha."

"Do you know anything of his work?"

"Only a little."

"Then I suspect you are no longer safe here."


I took Zyta with me to the court of Cznorh and explained to Roarke and Lev that if there was something secret and elusive enough to kill for, it was worth our discovering first. Roarke was remarkably well composed. It was times such as these that I found myself admiring him.

Nalev poured me another drink to steady my nerves then pulled me aside.

"I believe Rad'en' will be fine," Lev said quietly.

"You've seen it?"

"Yes."

"You're not just telling me this?"

"No."

"But you would. If you thought it would help."

Lev smiled. "Of course. But there's more, Misha. Taisia's gone to Kanabulan."

"To do what?" I asked loudly feeling the affects of too much drink and rage.

Lev attempted to hand me a folded letter, but I pushed it away. "Tell me," I demanded.


Believing that Hezason had already allied himself with Dophe, Taisai wrote that she would never forgive herself if she did not do everything in her power to see to the safe return of Rad'en' and D'Hir.

"I already sent word to Fen." Nalev explained.

"I'm going."

"You made an attempt on one king's life tonight and are lucky to live to tell about it. Eat and get some rest."

"I appreciate your concern." I placed my hands on his arms and realized how steady he was while I found myself trembling.

"If you must go, go tomorrow." Nalev suggested.


Before long Fen would be in Kanabulan and I began to suspect that instead of adding another irrational and highly volatile person to the mix, I could make better use of my time by returning to Gelassi and strengthening our troops.

Introduction by Misha

I hated Lev in the beginning. Savlii was a demanding bastard who went through pages like shoes - seemed all the fun was in the breaking in phase. I had been hand-picked by the priestess Vay when I was only fourteen and hardly just begun my military training. Life with Savlii was simple, not good, just simple and predictable. The directive of a page is service to his Eyre. Unlike other Houseborne males, pages are forbidden from taking up arms in battle. There was nothing lower in Eltesnian society than a page. Even a convicted murderer, as a proper Eltesnian citizen, far outranked a page. I hated Vay for dooming me to an even lower fate than my birth itself had, but I soon hated Lev even more.

For a couple of years I deemed myself quite the efficient page, following Savlii day and night. I was silent and sturdy, but mainly silent as Savlii was not fond of my voice. In all fairness, he wouldn't have cared very much for what I had to say.

Meanwhile Nalev received a serious injury to his left leg when he was knocked down then trampled by his own horse in battle. His convalescence was painful and slow. The House bestowed upon him the title of Eyre, but at his tender age it only increased further accusations of favoritism from the clergy. Savlii despised him and openly mocked him as a pampered upstart, a puppet of the House. To him it was a great outrage that a priest would be made Erye. Lev was not part of our bastard class but rather brought in as an orphan when he was about ten years of age. His parents and older sister were butchered when fighting resumed as the seventy year peace of the Great Quiet came to an abrupt end.

Like it or not, as Lev's superior officer, Erye Savlii was responsible for getting Nalev back on his feet and into action. We visited him frequently to check on his progress. Months dragged on and Savlii felt that Nalev was fit for duty. As the high priestess and highest authority in the holy war it was Vay, and Vay alone, that was expecting no less than a full and complete recovery, no matter how long it took.

My efficiency and familiarity were my undoing with Savlii and, bored of my companionship, he was eager to trade me in for a newer, prettier face. The bright spot in the transfer from position of page was that he would recommend me for training to become school master at the military academy. The bugger of the whole promotion was that a former page must first become an eunuch. As if that weren't bad enough, it would also preclude me from serving in the army proper. Since I had no say in the entire matter, I made my peace with my fate.

Savlii, and by extension I, paid another visit to Nalev at the hospital. After their typical banter, Lev suggested that they play cards and made him an offer far too tempting to pass up. Lev wagered his title for my transference to him. Knowing Lev as one of the worst card players of all time, Savlii accepted. He expected quick, satisfying victory. Until my dying day I will never forget the look of shock and disbelief when he lost.

"I don't know how you did it, Nalev," Savlii warned, "but you'll get what's coming to you. I swear the boy will be your ruination."

Savlii marched off in a huff, leaving me behind. As a page I rarely had the opportunity to speak, and had certainly never spoken with Nalev in all the visits Savlii and I made to the hospital, for that would have been seen as a major insult to authority.

"Very fortunate that you won, Erye Nalev, else I suspect there would two more eunuchs at the academy."

"I had no intention of losing, Misha." He said with a grin.


An unbelievably handsome valiant young general had risked his career to acquire me but didn't have a bloody clue what to do with me. Every attempt to comfort or assist him in any capacity was immediately thwarted. He insisted on dressing himself even though he could barely stand on his bad leg. I tried to work with him in his rehabilitation but he coldly informed me that was the job of his doctors and nurses. He was very proud and equally frustrated that his recovery should take so long. I kept my distance from him and even found myself almost fondly reminiscent of the hairy beast that smelled of rotten cheese, at least until he would pay his next visit accompanied with his new page. Had I ever been as young and innocent as the lanky freckle-faced boy that now hung on his every word and gesture?

My new Eyre accused me of moping about like a dejected child and asked me what I could possibly have to be upset about. It certainly wasn't in keeping with my position to answer at all, let alone let loose the tirade that ensued about how at least I'd have something useful to do with myself if I were back at the academy. He looked at me crossly and I was overcome with panic.

"I have all the men I want, and have little need of a page!" He roared.

"I'm sorry, Erye Nalev, if I misunderstood..."

He gazed at me now with more contemplation than consternation. I stood motionless, heart racing through the unnerving silence.

"Can you read?" Nalev asked.

"It is forbidden..."I stammered.

"Answer the damn question, Misha."

"Yes," I admitted quietly, my eyes looking away.

"Who taught you?"

"I'd rather not say."

"You have a problem with following rules," Nalev said bluntly.

"I shall endeavor to follow your command without question, Eyre Nalev."

"I very much doubt that." He said with a wry look on his face as he pointed to a book on the table.

Then he had me read aloud, while he interrupted at the slightest infraction of mispronunciation, tone and diction. I had learned from my foster sister, a mere child that had put herself at great risk by disobeying the law. Serena was my sole friend and only comfort those long seven years when I was raised by her father, a cold-hearted drunkard. Now I was being challenged by a overzealous intellectual task master. Writing proved even more painful and I routinely received a crack over the hand if I appeared to lose interest and concentration.

"Why does it have to be perfect?" I asked.

"Because, Misha, I will not have you handling my correspondences in a shoddy manner. I am in need of a secretary. I find that I have great difficulty reading since the accident."

"I haven't noticed."

"Are you telling me what I see, Misha?" He glared at me with those penetrating blue eyes.

"No, of course not. That would be extremely pretentious, Erye Nalev. However, I think you would be better suited by a proper secretary. I hardly think using your page--"

"It's bad enough I have to share tight quarters with one man." Nalev said bluntly.

"Yes, Erye Nalev."

I clearly remember wanting to take that stick away from him and bash him over the head, on occasions too numerous to recollect over those long, grueling months at the hospital.


I was amazed at how quickly those feelings diminished once Lev was finally deemed fit to resume active command on the Western front. His temperament improved with his renewed sense of purpose and within days we were at the encampment. On our first night there he called my name very quietly and I laid down beside him. It was dark but I could feel his eyes watching me as surely as his warm breath on my face. Lev placed his hand gently on my forehead and his fingers slowly passed over my eyelids and nose. I kissed the palm of his hand as it hovered there. Then his fingers traced my lips.

"You are without a doubt the most beautiful creature I have ever seen in my life," he said softly.

I don't think perfectionists are ever very easy to love, but from that moment, he was impossible to hate.


By twenty years of age not only was I the oldest page in Eltesnian military history but I had surpassed my Eyre in both height and weight, so much so that I more closely resembled his body guard than scribe. Savlii, who never cared much for Lev, was surprisingly silent regarding our lingering arrangement, patiently waiting his prophetic words to come to pass. I had already lost friends in battle and was continually frustrated by my inability to take up arms and join them, but there were limits even to what Lev could get away with, in spite of all of Vay's authority. The fact that Vay was high priestess never ceased to amaze me. Humorless and uncharismatic, she was all business and pragmatism, be it for prostitution, war or day-to-day economic development of the House. Yet she had always shown rather uncharacteristic warmth to me and once when I was a child I asked her why. "You're a special child, Misha. Always remember that," was her reply.

Vay's influence was felt almost as palpable in the court of Cznorh during the reign of King Dalma as it was in the House and she spoke highly of Lev. Yearly, he received the highly coveted invitation to participate in the Re-enactment of Entrapment. Yearly, I had to remind him that it was in his best interest to go. Occasionally he would be invited to attend a royal birthday or wedding as was the case when Prince Roarke married Princess Adelaide of Belaurii.

It was at the wedding celebration that we first met the King's cousin Lady Zbinka. Approaching thirty never married, she seemed to instantly get it in her head that Lev would make a good husband and proposed to him on the spot. She was an odd contradiction, both refined and boisterous, her presence was felt when she walked into any room. The Erye told her that he was flattered by her offer, but that her interests would be better suited with another choice.

"My apologies, Erye Nalev," Zbinka started with a coy smile. "I have caught you at the disadvantage that you know little of me, while I know everything about you. Would you care to talk somewhere more private?"

The reply was a very polite "no", but she persuaded both of us to join her in a quiet study. She explained, in great detail, her activities over the years in protest of the dehumanization of the Houseborne class. There had been rumors of her involvement especially in the kidnappings of Houseborne males from their foster homes and subsequent placement elsewhere. Allegations that if proven would lead to her execution, royalty or not.

Lev thanked her for placing her trust in him but didn't see the benefit in an alliance. Clearly, she did and continued in her negotiations.

"Erye Nalev, you have become larger than life in your quiet yet subversive manner and put a face on a cause so many of us secretly defend. The two of you have broken infraction after infraction of the outdated and abhorrent code of conduct regarding the Houseborne and have managed to remain relatively unscathed. Alone, I'm not sure how much longer we can defy the system. Together, we represent a very powerful alliance that takes us much closer to the realization of our goals."

I wasn't aware that we had any such lofty goals, at least not before that night. It had always been more of a struggle for day to day existence more than a cause. But Zbinka made her impression on Nalev and before year's end he received permission from Vay to be married. As the figure head of authority for both the clerical and political power that Zbinka sought to undermine, Vay was confident that Nalev would ultimately remain loyal to his previous commitments.


The marriage seemed to signify a change with Savlii and he resumed his vocal attacks on Lev. We often played cards together, and since Lev had such terrible difficulty in reading I got to play his hands. Unlike Lev, I always won which added to Savlii's dissatisfaction.

"I can not believe you make me play with a page," Savlii huffed.

"And that you always lose to a page?" Nalev scoffed.

"I don't know what you're trying to prove, Nalev. Your behavior lacks any semblance of propriety and can not be overlooked for much longer. Your familiarity with this man is an abomination."

"Unlike your familiarity with him when he was a child?"

"You've taken a military institution and made a complete mockery of it. You're entitled to a page, Eyre Nalev, not a wife."

"Actually, I'm entitled to both and have done a reasonable job in keeping both satisfied. Which is more than I can say for your relationships. Who was it your wife ran off with again? Your brother, as I recall."

"Mock me if you will. I will see you driven out of the army," Savlii said and got up, his young page shuffling after him.

"Eyre Savlii, aren't you forgetting something?" Lev asked.

Savlii threw some money down on the table and left. It was always good to see him leave.



As it turned out taunting the superior officer, though immediately rewarding was not beneficial in the long run. The political climate of Eltesnia and especially within the high court of Cznorh was changing, distancing itself from the powerful intrusion of the House while elevating the authority of the King's Council. King Dalma vehemently opposed this shift from the start, but he was swayed over time by the pervasive efforts of those closest to him. The direct ramification for us was that Nalev's ties to the House mattered less and less. And Savlii was poised for retribution.

Lev was promoted to the Office of Disciplinary Affairs which had the dubious honor of trying and executing all offenders of Houseborne misconduct, including infractions perpetrated by Eltesnian citizens. Savlii took enormous satisfaction in knowing that his nemesis spent every waking hour treading lightly with his personal life while being forced to uphold a system that he despised. I remained with Lev as his secretary for a number of months before he had a sudden miraculous recovery with his eye sight and sent me to live with Zbinka as her guard. Those were bittersweet times for all of us and, as in the never ending war, we took comfort wherever we could find it.

"Obviously none too well ..." by Misha

<-Previous

I was cold and wet. After spending two weeks touring the front lines with Erye Savlii it was time to visit the main army hospital located just outside of the capital. As if traveling in the rainy season wasn't unpleasant enough, Savlii went on incessantly about that coward hiding behind the incestuous protection of the High Priestess. The chattering of my teeth obfuscated his voice as we walked through the crowded corridors of the wounded and convalescing of the King's Army. We finally reached the large room nearest the sanctuary which was typically reserved for visiting dignitaries, but for the past eight months was occupied by Eyre Nalev.


"You're soaking wet!" Lev declared as we entered the room.

There was a window that overlooked the courtyard behind the hospital that provided a panoramic view of the rainy mess of mud and puddles below. A square table was in the center of the room with four chairs. A flowering potted plant sat atop the table along with several fat candles. The room was filled with potted ferns so much so that it resembled the forest, only without the pounding rain.

Savlii took off his overcoat and gave it a good shake before placing it over one of the chairs to dry. "None sense."

"I meant Misha."

"Never mind the boy. Where is she?" He asked gruffly.

"Good day, Erye Savlii," Vay responded from the doorway. "I expected you to first visit with me in my quarters." Her voice was calm and steady.

"I was more interested in speaking with his doctors. Again, they tell me that they see no reason for him not to return to duty."

"And again, I'll remind you, Erye Savlii, that Erye Nalev will remain here until I see fit to order his release."

"When will that be?"

"Soon, Erye Savlii," the High Priestess responded amiably. "Will you join me in my quarters?"

I turned to leave, but Savlii snapped at me to remain behind until I received further instruction. I was cold, wet and hungry. Lev was eating his midday meal when we barged in on him. He sat there on his bed with his injured leg in its odd contraption.

"You'll find dry clothes in that drawer over there," Lev gestured.

I changed quickly and thanked him. He noticed me staring at the food in much the same manner as he was eying me and offered to share.

After taking a spoonful of soup I almost choked.

"Something wrong?"

"I'm sorry, Erye Nalev, but I'm forbidden from eating meat."

"Is it warm, Misha?"

"Yes."

"Are you cold?"

"Yes."

"Then eat the damn soup already and warm yourself," Lev chided me.

I stood and ate with my back to the door lest Savlii return too soon.

"You know, Misha, you're the only thing that makes Savlii's visits bearable," he paused and looked me in the eyes. "I shall miss seeing you."

"Why is that?" I asked naively.

"You don't know what he's doing with Vay, do you?"

"I'm sure it is of no concern to me, Erye Nalev."

"You couldn't be more wrong. He's requested a fresh page to break in. You're about to get cast off like so many of your predecessors, Misha."

I ate some bread and washed it down quickly with the rest of the tea. "Now?"

"I believe so."

Savlii had told me that someday he intended to recommend that I study to become headmaster at the Academy for the Houseborne, his way of rewarding me for years of efficiency and obedience. I had persuaded myself that day was far in the future, that I would have ample warning. Now I realized that the next person to walk through the doorway could be sent to arrange my castration. I shuddered.

Lev motioned for me to sit beside him and he took a small throw blanket and rubbed my head with it. So many thoughts ran through me. I felt awkward and abandoned. Worse yet, I felt like a failure. Being a page was a shit job, but I was good at it. Now everything was changing and I was powerless to affect my own destiny. As I stared at the wall I became aware of Lev's fingers brushing the damp curls away from my face.

"It's a great pity you're not my page, Misha. Men like you and I really would get on well together. Don't you agree?"

I looked him in those intense blue eyes that seemed to be laughing at me.

"Erye Nalev, are you flirting with me?" His timing was terrible if his appraisal of my situation was correct.

Lev smiled and began his reply, "Obviously none too well if you have to ask."

I heard Vay and Savlii arguing in the corridor and quickly tried to get up. Lev took hold of my forearm and kept me near. I struggled to stand, to put some distance between us, but it was too late. Savlii, Vay and a young boy entered the room.

"This is precisely what I've been afraid of-- being man-handled some night in my sleep," Savlii fumed.

"Well, Erye, if that's all you're concerned about, I'll be glad to take him off your hands." Nalev offered wryly.

"Enough!" Savlii motioned to Vay to take me away.

"Erye Savlii, it was your intent to have Misha train his replacement." Vay said flatly.

"I'll have to manage without him."

"As you wish, Erye Savlii."

Vay escorted me out of the room. Against the cold hard protocols of the House, she had always treated me kindly and was the closest thing to a mother I had ever known. As we walked toward her quarters she placed a hand on my shoulder and said, "There there, Misha. I got you into this. With a little luck, I'll get you out as well."

Next ->

Introduction by Misha

I hated Lev in the beginning. Savlii was a demanding bastard who went through pages like shoes - seemed all the fun was in the breaking in phase. I had been hand-picked by the priestess Vay when I was only fourteen and hardly just begun my military training. Life with Savlii was simple, not good, just simple and predictable. The directive of a page is service to his Eyre. Unlike other Houseborne males, pages are forbidden from taking up arms in battle. There was nothing lower in Eltesnian society than a page. Even a convicted murderer, as a proper Eltesnian citizen, far outranked a page. I hated Vay for dooming me to an even lower fate than my birth itself had, but I soon hated Lev even more.

For a couple of years I deemed myself quite the efficient page, following Savlii day and night. I was silent and sturdy, but mainly silent as Savlii was not fond of my voice. In all fairness, he wouldn't have cared very much for what I had to say.

Meanwhile Nalev received a serious injury to his left leg when he was knocked down then trampled by his own horse in battle. His convalescence was painful and slow. The House bestowed upon him the title of Eyre, but at his tender age it only increased further accusations of favoritism from the clergy. Savlii despised him and openly mocked him as a pampered upstart, a puppet of the House. To him it was a great outrage that a priest would be made Erye. Lev was not part of our bastard class but rather brought in as an orphan when he was about ten years of age. His parents and older sister were butchered when fighting resumed as the seventy year peace of the Great Quiet came to an abrupt end.

Like it or not, as Lev's superior officer, Erye Savlii was responsible for getting Nalev back on his feet and into action. We visited him frequently to check on his progress. Months dragged on and Savlii felt that Nalev was fit for duty. As the high priestess and highest authority in the holy war it was Vay, and Vay alone, that was expecting no less than a full and complete recovery, no matter how long it took.

My efficiency and familiarity were my undoing with Savlii and, bored of my companionship, he was eager to trade me in for a newer, prettier face. The bright spot in the transfer from position of page was that he would recommend me for training to become school master at the military academy. The bugger of the whole promotion was that a former page must first become an eunuch. As if that weren't bad enough, it would also preclude me from serving in the army proper. Since I had no say in the entire matter, I made my peace with my fate.

Savlii, and by extension I, paid another visit to Nalev at the hospital. After their typical banter, Lev suggested that they play cards and made him an offer far too tempting to pass up. Lev wagered his title for my transference to him. Knowing Lev as one of the worst card players of all time, Savlii accepted. He expected quick, satisfying victory. Until my dying day I will never forget the look of shock and disbelief when he lost.

"I don't know how you did it, Nalev," Savlii warned, "but you'll get what's coming to you. I swear the boy will be your ruination."

Savlii marched off in a huff, leaving me behind. As a page I rarely had the opportunity to speak, and had certainly never spoken with Nalev in all the visits Savlii and I made to the hospital, for that would have been seen as a major insult to authority.

"Very fortunate that you won, Erye Nalev. Else I suspect there would two more eunuchs at the academy."

"I had no intention of losing, Misha." He said quite pragmatically.


An unbelievably handsome valiant young general had risked his career to acquire me but didn't have a bloody clue what to do with me. Every attempt to comfort or assist him in any capacity was immediately thwarted. He insisted on dressing himself even though he could barely stand on his bad leg. I tried to work with him in his rehabilitation but he coldly informed me that was the job of his doctors. He was very proud and equally frustrated that his recovery should take so long. I kept my distance from him and even found myself almost fondly reminiscent of the hairy beast that smelled of rotten cheese, at least until he would pay his next visit.

My new Eyre accused me of moping about like a dejected child and asked me what I could possibly have to be upset about. It certainly wasn't in keeping with my position to answer at all, let alone let loose the tirade that ensued about how at least I'd have something useful to do with myself if I were back at the academy. He looked at me crossly.

"Can you read?"

"It is forbidden..."

"Answer the damn question, Misha." Nalev snapped.

"Yes," I admitted.

"Who taught you?"

"I'd rather not say."

"You have a problem with following rules." Nalev said bluntly.

"I shall endeavor to follow your command without question."

"I very much doubt that." He said and pointed to a book on the table.

Then he had me read aloud, while he interrupted at the slightest infraction of mispronunciation, tone and diction. I had learned from my foster sister, a mere child that had put herself at great risk by disobeying the law. Serena was my sole friend and only comfort those long seven years when I was raised by her father, a cold-hearted drunkard. Now I was being challenged by a overzealous intellectual task master. Writing proved even more painful and I routinely received a crack over the hand if I appeared to lose interest and concentration.

"Why does it have to be perfect?" I asked.

"Because, Misha, I will not have you handling my correspondences in a shoddy manner. I am in need of a secretary. I find that I have great difficulty reading since the accident."

"I haven't noticed."

"Are you telling me what I see, Misha?" He glared at me with those penetrating blue eyes.

"No, of course not. That would be extremely pretentious, Erye Nalev. However, I think you would be better suited by a proper secretary. I hardly think using your page--"

"It's bad enough I have to share tight quarters with you." Nalev said bluntly.

"Yes, Erye Nalev."

I clearly remember wanting to take that stick away from him and bash him over the head, on occasions too numerous to recollect over those long, grueling months at the hospital.


I was amazed at how quickly those feelings diminished once Lev was finally deemed fit to resume active command on the Western front. His temperament improved with his renewed sense of purpose and within days we were at the encampment. On our first night there he called my name very quietly and I laid down beside him. It was dark but I could feel his eyes watching me as surely as his warm breath on my face. Lev placed his hand gently on my forehead and his fingers slowly passed over my eyelids and nose. I kissed the palm of his hand as it hovered there. Then his fingers traced my lips.

"You are without a doubt the most beautiful creature I have ever seen in my life," he said softly.

I don't think perfectionists are ever very easy to love, but from that moment, he was impossible to hate.


By twenty years of age not only was I the oldest page in Eltesnian military history but I had surpassed my Eyre in both height and weight, so much so that I more closely resembled his body guard than scribe. Savlii, who never cared much for Lev, was surprisingly silent regarding our lingering arrangement, patiently waiting his prophetic words to come to pass. I had already lost friends in battle and was continually frustrated by my inability to take up arms and join them, but there were limits even to what Lev could get away with, in spite of all of Vay's authority. The fact that Vay was high priestess never ceased to amaze me. Humorless and uncharismatic, she was all business and pragmatism, be it for prostitution, war or day-to-day economic development of the House. She had always shown rather uncharacteristic warmth to me and once when I was a child I asked her why. "You're a special child, Misha. Always remember that," was her reply.

Vay's influence was felt almost as palpable in the court of Cznorh during the reign of King Dalma as it was in the House and she spoke highly of Lev. Yearly, he received the highly coveted invitation to participate in the Re-enactment of Entrapment. Yearly, I had to remind him that it was in his best interest to go. Occasionally he would be invited to attend a royal birthday or wedding as was the case when Prince Roarke married Princess Adelaide of Belaurii.

It was at the wedding celebration that we first met the King's cousin Lady Zbinka. Approaching thirty never married, she seemed to instantly get it in her head that Lev would make a good husband and proposed to him on the spot. She was an odd contradiction, both refined and boisterous, her presence was felt when she walked into any room. The Erye told her that he was flattered by her offer, but that her interests would be better suited with another choice.

"My apologies, Erye Nalev," Zbinka started with a coy smile. "I have caught you at the disadvantage that you know little of me, while I know everything about you. Would you care to talk somewhere more private?"

The reply was a very polite "no", but she persuaded both of us to join her in a quiet study. She explained, in great detail, her activities over the years in protest of the dehumanization of the Houseborne class. There had been rumors of her involvement especially in the kidnappings of Houseborne males from their foster homes and subsequent placement elsewhere. Allegations that if proven would lead to her execution, royalty or not.

Lev thanked her for placing her trust in him but didn't see the benefit in an alliance. Clearly, she did and continued in her negotiations.

"Erye Nalev, you have become larger than life in your quiet yet subversive manner and put a face on a cause so many of us secretly defend. The two of you have broken infraction after infraction of the outdated and abhorrent code of conduct regarding the Houseborne and have managed to remain relatively unscathed. Alone, I'm not sure how much longer we can defy the system. Together, we represent a very powerful alliance that takes us much closer to the realization of our goals."

I wasn't aware that we had any such lofty goals, at least not before that night. It had always been more of a struggle for day to day existence more than a cause. But Zbinka made her impression on Nalev and before year's end he received permission from Vay to be married. As the figure head of authority for both the clerical and political power that Zbinka sought to undermine, Vay was confident that Nalev would ultimately remain loyal to his previous commitments.


The marriage seemed to signify a change with Savlii and he resumed his vocal attacks on Lev. We often played cards together, and since Lev had such terrible difficulty in reading I got to play his hands. Unlike Lev, I always won which added to Savlii's dissatisfaction.

"I can not believe you make me play with a page," Savlii huffed.

"And that you always lose to a page?" Nalev scoffed.

"I don't know what you're trying to prove, Nalev. Your behavior lacks any semblance of propriety and can not be overlooked for much longer. Your familiarity with this man is an abomination."

"Unlike your familiarity with him when he was a child?"

"You've taken a military institution and made a complete mockery of it. You're entitled to a page, Eyre Nalev, not a wife."

"Actually, I'm entitled to both and have done a reasonable job in keeping both satisfied. Which is more than I can say for your relationships. Who was it your wife ran off with again? Your brother, as I recall."

"Mock me if you will. I will see you driven out of the army," Savlii said and got up.

"Eyre Savlii, aren't you forgetting something?" Lev asked.

Savlii threw some money down on the table and left. It was always good to see him leave.



As it turned out taunting the superior officer, though immediately rewarding was not beneficial in the long run. The political climate of Eltesnia and especially within the high court of Cznorh was changing, distancing itself from the powerful intrusion of the House while elevating the authority of the King's Council. King Dalma vehemently opposed this shift from the start, but he was swayed over time by the pervasive efforts of those closest to him. The direct ramification for us was that Nalev's ties to the House mattered less and less. And Savlii was poised for retribution.

Lev was promoted to the Office of Disciplinary Affairs which had the dubious honor of trying and executing all offenders of Houseborne misconduct, including infractions perpetrated by Eltesnian citizens. Savlii took enormous satisfaction in knowing that his nemesis spent every waking hour treading lightly with his personal life while being forced to uphold a system that he despised. I remained with Lev as his secretary for a number of months before he had a sudden miraculous recovery with his eye sight and sent me to live with Zbinka as her guard. Those were bittersweet times for all of us and, as in the never ending war, we took comfort wherever we could find it.

Beard, by Misha

<- Previous

It was just after supper when I joined Nalev on his balcony. I handed him a fresh bottle of wine.

"I received a note from Zbinka saying that you wanted to see me." I began.

"Still forging my name, is she?" Nalev replied.

"Congratulations, Lev."

"And to you, Misha. Citizenship in your third country. Quite the accomplishment. I'll get glasses."

"No need for the propriety." I said and we were both seated.

"I hear things are quiet under Tironik's watchful eye." Nalev commented.

"For now."

"Until Neopar jerks your strings a little bit harder," Lev snapped.

"Neopar pays well for his protection."

"My men have become a band of mercenaries."

"We fight to protect the interests of Kanabulan and Eltesnia. We can not forget the depths of treachery of which Dophe is capable." I insisted.

"King Roarke has absolved her of her involvement in the coup."

"All the more reason for those of strong mind and sound judgment to share their influence in his court." I went to rub my beard out of habit and felt very naked in its absence.

Nalev took a long drink from the bottle. "Quite true, old friend." Nalev paused. "If Binky sent you to hasten the divorce, you shouldn't waste your time."

"Of course you must have your reasons," I said.

"Of course," Nalev replied curtly.

"I'd just hate to think that your dragging your heels to exercise some control over her."

"Don't be ridiculous. I have the utmost respect for the woman."

"So why not cut her free?" I asked.

"So she can run off with that reckless lout Eburgistraten? He'd only drain her of her inheritance and break her heart."

"Zbinka's a big girl, Lev. I don't think you need to worry about her." I took the bottle of wine from Nalev. "I can assure you this isn't about Eburgistraten."

"If it's not about him, then why is he spending so much with her?"

I smiled. "It's not really for me to say."

"Then how can I be convinced?"

"He's been asking about you."

"About me? What about me?" Nalev asked naively.

"Seems he fancies you."

"Don't be preposterous. The man's had as many wives as--"

"You've had prostitutes?" I retorted.

"You can't compare a member of the clergy to a philanderer like that."

"Step down from your tower, Lev. Let what's transpired in the line of duty slip quietly into the past and get on with your life." I paused for a moment. "Then, again I can just let him know that you're not interested."

"I don't like hasty decisions."

"You called the man a lout," I reminded him.

"I may have misjudged the man, but please don't tell me Zbinka wants a divorce on my account."

"She's many things, but not self-less. Neither one of us are."

"What's she after, Misha? Or should I say who? Is it her hunter beau?"

"No."

"The merchant trader from Belaurii?"

"No." I replied flatly.

"Do I know him?"

"Quite well."

"Come now, Misha. If you tell me that it's you, I'll have to disagree with that statement wholeheartedly," Nalev's tone was joking.

"Certainly wouldn't be the first time we've disagreed."

"I know you had a little tryst to punish me and Binky doesn't take no for an answer." Nalev reasoned.

"You're not taking me seriously. I am Rad'en's father."

"But you're asking me to believe you've been bedding my wife all these years?" Nalev scoffed.

"One of us had to," Misha muttered.

"Why wouldn't you tell me?"

"There was too much at stake, until now."

Nalev took another drink.

"Will you sign?" I persisted.

"Yes."

"Good. Drink up," I slapped him on the shoulder. "I'll send Burgi over with the papers."


Rad'en' invited me to his quarters for lunch. he said he was getting tired of seeing my dejected demeanor and hoped that spending time with my grandson would do me some good. While Mand'er napped through our meal, Rad'en' told me of his plans to take the Prince with him to Belaurii and introduce him to some long-over due military training. There were minor rumblings from forces loyal to Queen Dophe, but nothing that posed real, imminent threat.

In a few days I would return to Gelassi equipped with supplies, horses and fresh recruits, all thanks mainly to his mother's efforts. We received word that Naeri had uncovered a plot to expose her affair with Tironik and had fled to for Belaurii. There really was no good way for that to work itself out. Hezason, though elated to be rid of her, now had more time on his hands to scheme to reclaim his lost Taisia.

"Can't we just tell him already?" Rad'en' fumed.

"She's your wife, you tell him," I retorted and rubbed my jaw. I was still feeling quite naked without my beard.

The nurse came out with Mand'er and handed him to me. It had been a long time since I held a baby and I was sure I was to blame for jostling him too much and making him throw up all over my shoulder. Rad'en' laughed at me and tried to clean the mess, insisting all the while that it was his fault for not warning me that he often does that right after eating.

"I remember how much I loved you when I was a child, both of you, really, even though I rarely saw you at the same time." Rad'en' commented. "No matter how much I acted out, you always seemed to listen to me. Slightest little thing and mother wouldn't speak to me for days."

"I was concerned about how you'd take the news," I said with some trepidation.

"About mother? After I thought about it a while I came to the absurd revelation that you were the glue that kept the whole damn arrangement from falling apart. It was always about a cause with mother, but I don't suspect it was the same with you and Nalev."

"Time to put all that to rest. We could all use a fresh start." I said anxious to end the discussion.

"When did any of you ever choose the easy path? Is this what you really want?"

"Yes."

"I don't believe you. I would go as far as to say that you were still letting mother speak for you." Rad'en' accused.

"Rad'en'--"

"No, hear me out. I've spend most of my life trying to get rid of you. Mother needs her freedom, but is that so important to you or Nalev?"

"We've both done and said unconscionable things." I muttered.

"What about trying to throw him to that insufferable kranch Eburgistraten? How was that supposed to help?" Rad'en' snapped.

"We thought it would--" I paused. "Yes, that was a terrible idea."

"My mother's terrible idea?"

"Yes," I admitted.

"He's lost without you, and he's hurting. I'd wager the only one feeling worse over this whole matter is you."



So I left son and grandson and decided it was time to speak with Lev. He opened the door and invited me in. I considered that act in itself no small victory.

"I'm sorry," I blurted out.

"Sorry? You've stolen my wife, my son and my trust. Are you sorry about all of those, or is it a more selective apology?" Nalev asked stoically.

"All of those," I responded meekly.

He contemplated my face. "Very well. Is there anything else? Would you like a drink?"

"No, thank you."

"You're sure?" Nalev persisted.

"About the drink," I felt I needed to clarify.

"I think I'd like something, just the same." He brought over a bottle and two glasses. "In case you change your mind." He poured and I thanked him. He waited. "Well, go on."

"I miss you."

"You miss me?" He repeated.

"Yes."

"What exactly do you miss about me?"

I got up and walked around the room. For so many years I needed to believe there was hope for Lev and me. If I opened my mouth and spoke the truth there would be no going back to pretending.

"I miss the way you say my name, having you snore in my ear like a little kitten. I miss the way you rub your foot against my leg until you fall asleep. I miss you knowing what I'm about to say before I say it. Watching you hide your vegetables or failing to achieve a meditative state because you start humming and break your concentration."

"And you laugh at me. You never were very supportive of my clerical endeavors."

"I'd laugh with you," I corrected. "Then we'd have the most absolutely unbelievable sex. I miss doing everything with you, and doing nothing."

Nalev took a drink and walked toward me.

"I love you, Misha."

"I know."

"I never told you that and I'm sorry. I deluded myself into believing that it would somehow allow me to retain some level of control. I loved you from the first moment I saw you." Nalev paused for a brief moment and commented, "You've shaved."

"Yes, I did." Then I got back on point, "Lev, it was so easy for us in the beginning."

"Arguably too easy. Far to many sleepless nights and unending days."

"I don't know how to get back," I confessed.

"Don't you?" He began to smile as I studied his face.

"You noticed?"

"Of course I did. I despise those things. You shaved last week." Nalev replied.

"Do you?" I asked.

"You know I do. I found it most interesting that you'd shaved right before you came to tell me about your undying love for my wife."

"Ex-wife," I corrected.

"She's always had a terrible thing for beards."

"You bastard!" I exclaimed. Lev laughed at me then kissed me.

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