Fen's Diaries

I knew about her diaries, but it seemed she never had a thought she didn't blurt out loud so I certainly never had any occasion to read them before. Now I missed the sound of her voice prattling on, how every situation was somehow all about her. Whenever I'd chide her for being self-absorbed, her voice would get high-pitched as she adamantly pointed out how wrong I was.

There weren't any surprises inside, not even that she had torn out a number of pages. She was good-natured, compassionate and prone to jump into situations without thinking. In the rare event that she hurt someone beside herself in the process, she never really forgave herself.

I suppose she had a streak of modesty after all because she was ambivalent about her many accomplishments in her diaries. Before I can begin to set that right I need to shed some light on one of the most reluctant kings in all of history, the man she loved but refused to marry and the seemingly haphazard way our paths would cross.

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"Everything will be different now" from Fen's Memoirs

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The days seemed long at Gelassi, not to mention hot and dusty. In our attempts to reunite an extended family of fighters and clergy left with no one to serve and no other place to go it seemed that only the most opinionated and undiplomatic people of the three realms were sent there to establish a new order. Tironik was placed in command by Queen Naeri from the time the holy war's end. My position was to assist him in any way possible which usually meant breaking up the verbal rampages between Misha and Vay who were the primary voices of the two factions.

Nalev and D'Hir provided as much support as they could but the people, by and large, were slow to change their opinion of the Houseborne and were more than willing to let them be the problem of someone else. Since Gelassi was expanding westward through the legal purchase of farm land and even hunting grounds, the problem became my father's.

It had been weeks since Roarke left on his quest to bring order to the universe. Eyre Nalev had pulled through nicely after his near death experience and was ever sharing his years of wisdom with young Prince D'Hir. As for myself, even though I tried to avoid it, I was the third wheel to Misha and Tironik. It was really Tironik's doing. He feared the repercussions of their relationship since it didn't fit at all into the social structure of Kanabulan politics and was flew in the face of his overly stated position of love, adoration and undying devotion to his mistress the Queen.

A messenger found me while I was assisting Tironik with the delivery of Gelassi's first born child. As if I were not already feeling overly emotional, it was news from Roarke. At Tironik's insistence I waited for Misha who was finalizing the purchase of a large chunk of farmland. I quickly gathered my traveling clothes and all the money I had in my possession and sat and patiently waited for Misha's return that evening.

It was late when we arrived at the Inn of the Teapot. We went upstairs and judging by the commotion inside, it was not difficult to tell where they were staying. There was no answer when I knocked on the door, but we entered anyway. Eburgistraten, who I had not seen in many, many years failed to recognize me in his inebriated state. He was quite disheveled and cavorting with a good number of women, all of whom were expecting a sizable portion of the money I carried. Although the room was small it was so densely packed with flesh that it took me a few moments to realize Roarke was not present.

I turned back into the hallway just as he was returning. "Fen," he said awkwardly holding out his hands for me. "I was waiting for your downstairs, but you didn't notice me."

"Roarke." I placed the money in his hands. While I was relieved to see him well, it had been almost four months since he left with Paynor.

"I told the cook to send up something for you. It should be here soon." He paused.

"Hello, Misha."

"Your Highness," Misha responded politely.

Suddenly the room grew more quiet and one by one the women exited. Burgi had passed out with his head and upper torso hanging off the bed. At least we had some privacy to talk. Roarke sat on Burgi's bed and I removed my cloak and sat on the other bed.

"I'll go downstairs and see to the food," Misha excused himself.

"It's good to see you, Fen." He said warmly.

"I trust your mission went well."

"It did."

"What happened?"

"There's not much to tell really," he said as he scratched one side of his beard. "We went through the portal and immediately entered this all-encompassing white barrier. It was warm and bright and filled me with such peacefulness that it lulled me to sleep. When I awoke, unaware of how much time had passed, Ebugistraten had found me and Paynor was gone."

"An epic journey across time and space, and you spend it in slumber?"

"Asleep or awake, the outcome speaks for itself." Roarke's tone lightened, "Quite relieved that it's over with."

"He must remember something more."

"Perhaps. He's been preoccupied with making up for lost time. Tell me, how is Nalev?"

"Recovering nicely from his fall and is ever at D'Hir's side."

"Are they getting along well?"

I laughed. "Not according to the letters Misha receives from Nalev."

"I've missed your smile, Fen."

"I was afraid I'd never see you again. Considering how we left things--" I started defensively.

"I'm sorry, Fen, for everything. D'Hir confided in me about Dophe's involvement in Paynor's rise to power. As long as there was a chance that you and Neopar were co-conspirators, I had my doubts about you."

"What changed your mind? Was it Paynor?"

"I asked your mother to acquire the ring from Dophe and hide it with the things we brought from your quarters in Belaurii."

"Yes..."

"When you wrote to me, I felt that you were manipulating me by telling me what I wanted to hear. Then you showed up pregnant and I never asked... "

"It was Neopar's."

"And he didn't want you to end up like Delcine." Roarke paused. "But what changed my mind was when your mother told me about how you kept my letters and shirt all tucked away in a locked drawer. You couldn't have intended for me to know that. That was something private, yet so telling. I swear to you, Fen, I won't doubt you again. Everything will be different now."

"Of course it will be different now," Eburgistraten said as he stirred in his bed. "Where is everybody? Is that you, Fenaway?"

His voice was more hushed and he had a broad as he pulled on some clothing before walking over to me.

"How's my plump little potato?"

He gave me a hug so hard that I feared my ribs would break. "It's good to see you, too, Burgi." I took a deep breath after he let me go. "I was sure you'd be out until morning."

"Nonsense, Fenaway. Just needed to catch a few winks. Let me look at you. What a beautiful young woman you've become. Tell me I haven't missed the wedding? We've all waited so long for you and D'Hir to become married."

I looked at Roarke. "Hasn't Roarke told you--"

"Well, there's obviously so much for us to discuss," Roarke hesitated awkwardly and was much relieved at the return of Misha with the food.

We washed some dust from our hands and face from the ride before being seated. Burgi talked for hours telling us about the horrors that unfolded before the king-making. Finally, weariness won out and we began negotiating sleeping arrangements. Thanks to Roarke, my guardian still had the misplaced belief that D'Hir and I were betrothed. He further complicated the situation by his flat out refusal to share a bed with a page. As usual, I wound up with Misha.

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Happily ever after, from Fen's Memoirs

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Somewhat apprehensive about the Prince and Princess, I lingered in Cznorh until their safe return. They did not in actuality go to Belaurii, but to the mountains and had a wonderful time. Their decoys, on the other hand, were captured by Queen Dophe's men and later released unharmed. King Neopar had not only bested the Queen, but we all lived to tell about it.

Months and months passed. Both Ksennia and my mother became pregnant, but we tried to conceal news of the latter from my father. Everyone was happy in Cznorh, with or without me, it seemed. Burgi wore down Zbinka's resistance and was often a guest at court. Even more so than Roarke he was predisposed to a life of opulence and glamour of which Zbinka was the undisputed Queen. But she was also a most gracious hostess and quick to offer the largest of her country estates to King Neopar and his court for their private use.


Ksennia gave birth to a healthy son that she named Schedron. The natural trauma of the event also brought on the sight which horrified her to no end because of her vision that both my mother and her child would die at birth. Given her age and the difficulty she was having with her pregnancy, it hardly took the sight to conjure up those fears. We were both relieved when Nalev came to visit.

"Princess and Lady Fenwick," he bowed politely.

"Please sit down, Eyre Nalev."

"There was a private matter I wanted to speak with you about." Nalev said.

"It's all right. Whatever it is, you may speak freely in front of my sister."

"You have been given the sight."

"Yes," Ksennia said. "I saw Taisia die."

"You can not tell her."

"But..."

"There is nothing you can do save comfort her. She needs both of you now, and, if what you saw comes to pass, even more in the future."

"It was so real, Eyre Nalev."

"Yes, Princess. We saw it, too. Often one sight is shared between many, especially between kin."

"Then you have it as well?" Ksennia asked.

"Yes," was his somber reply.

"And those men you put to death?" My sister asked.

"Were well aware of my agony and helplessness. There faces and visions will haunt me until my dying day. You're secret is safe with me, my child. Rest and be well."

The following day Schedron was presented to the people of Eltesnia by Roarke and his parents and a great feast was held in honor of the future king. These were very happy times at Cznorh and it was difficult for me to go back to Gelassi, but duty called.


Thanks to Zbinka and dual citizenship rights the university and military academy were flourishing. It was good to have a mix of people at the settlement. It made it feel more like a town.

As much as things were great at Cznorh and passible in Gelassi, it was torture to be in the presence of my father and the Queen. Yet once every month I gave my report to them and tried not to let on to my father that the woman he loved would soon die in labour. I usually tried to spend a few days back in Gelassi afterward to find some balance, but once I did not.

Rumors were flying around Roarke and Ksennia and while I didn't give any credence to them I was a little too eager for a visit. When I arrived I found a loving and happy family led by an adoring and particularly doting Roarke in a life I was constantly leaving. Flanked by Ksennia and Zbinka he was far happier than I ever remembered him. The young infant was the light of his life, and it hurt me that I could not bring him that happiness. Perhaps I was irrational. For a person who spends most of her days solving other people's problems, I certainly created enough of my own. Roarke barely touched me. My mother could die at any moment. Worst of all, D'Hir insuated that they would all be better off without me. It was time to leave. My reports would have to be given by someone else.

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Restoring Order, from Fen's Memoirs

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Roarke and I awoke alone. I had almost forgotten that luxury. We dressed and sent for breakfast. It was already waiting outside the door, but still no briefings or overbearing doting. We ate in peace. I wanted to check on the Eyre before the morning swim at the pond.

We arrived at the door and knocked, several times before Nalev answered.

"Good morning, Eyre," Roarke said. "Is everything alright?"

"Please forgive me, your highness. I slept through morning briefings."

Misha came to the door.

"Good morning, your highness. Fen," Misha started, "we go back to Gelassi in two days. Do you think you can stay out of trouble for that long?"

"Of course, Misha." I responded. "


Once at the pond, we found Zbinka and Burgi, who was still sporting a black eye from what I presumed to be his failed encounter with Nalev several days back.

"You know him best, what do you think he'll do?" Zbink asked.

"He'll have his marriage annulled. It's what he's wanted all along." Eburgistraten replied.

"And he'll have no reason to honor his treaty with us with Ksennia as his successor!" Zbinka said angrily. "I don't see where you have a choice, Eburgistraten."

"No more war, Zbinka," Burgi sighed.

"He's afraid that you'll regain your throne. What if he joins forces with Dophe and we have a war on two fronts?" Zbinka continued.

"Sounds like we missed the briefing but made it for the debate, Fen." Roarke said.

"Well, Fenaway," Burgi looked at me. "What is Gelassi's part in all of this?"

"I should think diplomacy, by all means. We can withhold our tribute to Kanabulan and press for a peaceful restoration of proper authority." I said.

"But would you fight with us, Fen?" Zbinka asked pointedly.

"I do not think that Gelassi should be used as a weapon against a man who has done nothing but foster our growth and development. I can have no part in the provocation of war," I said firmly.

"And should he strike first? Or ally himself with Dophe?" Zbinka questioned.

"Any intrusion of Kanabulan forces on Gelassi soil or an alliance with our known enemy would be considered an act of open aggression." I stated calmly.

"I believe I have greatly underestimated the number of liberated Houseborne males that will be joining you on your return to Gelassi." Zbinka probed with her statement.

After a brief pause, I replied. "I trust that after closer investigation we can remedy that error."

"Please excuse me," Zbinka said as she dismissed herself.


Later Roarke presided over the court and listened to a number of complaints from the people. We were anxious to receive news of our neighbors. Ksennia added, inadvertently, to the drama by gathering some children to teach them sword fighting. Since she was such a petite waif there were not many other suitable opponents. She was seething over father's recent decisions and, much like her mother, would like nothing more than to have the opportunity to run him through with a sword.

Though I thought it bad precedent, I sat on the Queen's throne since Zbinka was busy working her magic and because I needed to be close to Roarke, more for my own sense of well-being than his.

It was much later that evening that we received word that Queen Dophe, decrying the invasion of mercenaries on Belauriian soil, was able to rally a substantial number of southern landowners back to her side. Enlistment, voluntary or otherwise, soared with the nationalist fervor.

Zbinka assured us that the error in record keeping would be investigated day and night and she anticipated that in a month or so, there could easily be as many as three times the original reckoning of former Houseborne recruits. Roarke clearly felt some trepidation when he said farewell to D'Hir, but he did a tremendous job concealing in until we were alone.

Too soon I would be back in Gelassi and burdened with preparation for my report to father.


Zbinka, as promised, continued to find recruits for Gelassi. That was both good and bad news for us because my father was very skeptical of Gelassi's swelling forces. I endeavored to impress upon him that it was merely for our defense against Dophe. Once again he questioned the wisdom of our involvement in Belauriian politics. I reminded him that as the arrangement was purely economic, we would back out if necessary.

"You have no loyalties, Fen," he said in dismay.

"I've been raised in three courts, father. There is little else I can do but aspire to a sense of fairness and do what is best for Gelassi."

"Things were much simpler before when you knew who your enemy was."

"Roarke means you no ill will."

"Do you say that as my emissary or as his mistress?"

"I say it because it is the truth," I responded respectifully.

He looked at me and paused. "Does she hate me so much, Fen?"

"You seem to elicit that response from many women in your life, save maybe Hetta, myself and, most astonishing, Vay."

"I would make your mother Queen today if she would forgive me."

"Please forgive my bluntness, father, but no one has ever or will ever desire the throne enough for such a tall request."

"I did not want to do it," he protested.

"Yet you did."

"Even a king needs to uphold the law. There was nothing to do to alter the outcome."

"Not even a word in her defense?"

"I dared not show division with the country still at war."

"I'm truly sorry for you that your conscience only works in peace time."


I stayed on in my father's court for a couple of days, then returned to Gelassi.

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Everyone loves a wedding, from Fen's Memoirs

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At long last it was time for the wedding of Prince D'Hir and Princess Ksennia. They hadn't met before hand and only presented a painted portrait to one another in addition to an endless stream of gifts. I was in the unique position of being trusted confidant to both and got to smooth out their jittery nerves with, of all things, the truth that they were lovely young people and would be very happy together. Ksennia was eager to leave the constant strife between the King and Queen but was still wary of my close friendship with D'Hir. It seemed no matter how hard we tried to break the cycle of rivalry we were doomed. None the less, it was time for me to kick back after months of agonizing details and negotiations and get roaring drunk after the ceremony, which was quite lovely indeed.

I was Roarke's companion for the event; however, Zbinka still enjoyed her assumed role as Queen. There was certainly a lot Ksennia and I could learn from her. I was especially enthralled with the way she handled the overly amorous advances of Eburgistraten, even though I lost good money in a bet with Misha as to his success. Either Burgi was slipping or he had met his match. The more I watched the two of them together over the next week, the more I believed the second hypothesis to be true.

Although father and Queen Naeri were noticeably absent, because of the recent rift caused by the formation of a military training camp in Gelassi which made people uneasy, King Neopar and Queen Dophe chose to attend. I had forgotten how creepy they made me feel until Ompar asked me to remove my shoes before he danced with me. Of all the guests it was Tironik that was most ill at ease. I attempted to cheer him, but once he saw Misha leave with Neopar, there was little use in that.


I arrived at my quarters late the next morning to find Misha asleep on my couch. Tired or not, as a trained fighter he was a light sleeper and he heard my footsteps.

"Hello, Fen."

"Good morning, Misha. Where is he?"

"The bed hog's in there." He quipped. "You know I can't sleep on crumbs."

"I was rather hoping that he'd be gone by the time I got in."

"So was I."

I sat beside him. "You know I'm fond of Niko, but maybe it's time you just end it."

"I have ended it."

"Yes, but it never stays ended, does it?"

"He always says he's ready to change. I want to believe him, Fen. It's so hard to be involved with someone who loathes who he is. How can that not spill over onto me? Onto us?"

"But Neopar?"

"He may be a lot of things, but self-loathing is not one of them."

"Tell me you're not going back to be his lap dog."

"No. Don't be ridiculous," Neopar bellowed as he entered from the bedroom, scarcely clothed. "Hello, darlings."

"Hello, Ompar."

"I'm not even going back," Neopar confessed in a hushed voice.

"Has he been drinking already?" I asked.

"My physician advised me to give up drinking. I'm not going back. I plan on joining allegiance with King Roarke and bringing my landowners with me."

"Leaving Dophe with other two-thirds?" I wondered aloud.

"If I could sway more, I would. Her interference with the court of Cznorh is unforgivable and I intend to prove my worthiness to both father and son."

"Quite a noble position, Ompar," I said. "The Queen has no idea?"

"Absolutely none," Neopar replied.

"The prince and princess are vacationing seaside in Belaurri. I pray you are correct," I said.

"If only there were something we could do to ensure the stability of my lands... You are aware that Dophe controls the Royal Army. Perhaps if Gelassi were to lend some assistance," Neopar began. "All of those wonderful trained fighters chomping at the bit. Seems like a perfect match to me."

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Inevitable, from Fen's Memoirs

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I was terribly busy at Gelassi. Tironik and I worked well together, even with our reversal of fortune. For the first time in my life I felt as though I had gained both the attention and respect of my father. Often I found myself summoned to his court. He missed my mother and was under the opinion that I could somehow convey to her how deeply troubled he was by the way she was treated by the Queen. It wasn't the time to tell him that she was happily, and secretly, married to Rad'en', so I bit my tongue and listened.

Father didn't seem to mind the way that he and the Queen treated Eburgistraten. Probably since he posed such little threat to their power. It was inconceivable to me that we were all raised by the same woman, would willingly give our life for her, yet so capable of devouring one another. Not that I was any different. I despised Ksennia from the time she was born. Eburgistraten knew it was better to have me sent away to the court of Cznorh than to be eclipsed by the little half sister.

Putting aside a lifetime of familial grievances, I had been given the awesome opportunity to begin talk of marriage between Prince D'Hir and Princess Ksennia. Zbinka, still acting Queen, was eager to make the prospect as tantalizing for all involved. We managed to have Ksennia declared sole heir to the throne of Kanabulan with the understanding that the two countries would merge at the passing of King Hezason and Queen Naeri. Amazing what a little artful negotiation and a pretty young virgin can do. The more time I spent with Ksennia the more I realized that D'Hir wouldn't hate her. In fact, he'd probably be quite smitten by her bubbly laughter and lively wit as most men were. She had gotten all of her parents' strength and agility and really none of their onerous traits. Ksennia truely was quite lovely. I felt ashamed for hating her all those years, atleast until she would blurt out whatever was on her mind followed by that annoying girlish laughter. Nobody's perfect.


Once a month, I made routine reports at Cznorh. Shortly before one visit, I was quite surprised to receive word from Zbinka that Roarke returned to court and, without controversy, regained the throne, ceremoniously thanking his loyal prince and adviser for maintaining order and peace while he was on his mission.

Roarke looked quite comfortable as he sat on his exalted throne with D'Hir, Nalev and Zbinka at his side. I approached cautiously and waited for what seemed a long time to be addressed.

"Lady Fenwick," Roarke began in a rich, even voice. "What do you want?"

"Your Highness?"

"Not you, per se. Gelassi is out of money, is it not?"

"Eltesnia refuses to do trade with us."

"I have been so informed. Gelassi pays tribute to Kanabulan. Let Kanabulan fix this problem."

"Forgive me, your Highness, but it the Houseborne were not Kanabulan's problem in the first place. If it was not for Kanabulan most of your forgotton bastard warriors would have been hunted down like animals."

"So what is it you want? Money? Supplies?"

"The people of Gelassi want one thing: dual citizenship. Once that is acheived, we firmly believe all else will follow."

"Erye Nalev, is this correct? Have we yet to offer them citizenship?"

"Yes, Your Highness. Such a decision was of so great importance to be handled without your approval."

"Well put." Roarke said.

Nalev placed a scroll in Roarke's outstretched hand which he then presented to me.

"I will not order my lords and ladies to do business with Gelassi, Lady Fenwick. But I will agree to Zbinka's request that all ceremonial tapestries, linens and table wares necessary for Prince D'Hir's wedding be purchased from the settlement." Roarke smiled and added, "I trust you will see to that detail as well."

"Yes, Your Highness."

I left the throneroom and was joined by my strolling band. I really missed those guys. A little while later I met with Zbinka, my mother and Rad'en' for supper. Afterward, I went uninvited to see Roarke. He would either speak with me or not, so I took my chances.

The musicians gave away my proximity, probably the reason they were appointed to my service in the first place. Roarke received me with a warm smile and long embrace then we were seated on a couch.

"You look well, Roarke."

"I am well. Well enough," he started. "As long as I'm going to spend the rest of my life battling demons I can do without the lice, poverty and waking up next to a sweaty over-sexed man."

"How will Burgi get along without you?" I snickered.

"As you can imagine, I was driving off the ever-impending entourage."

"He does know that Ksennia and D'Hir will inherit both kingdoms."

"His work is not done!" Roarke mocked in a stern yet inebriated tone.

We both laughed but he stopped himself then grew somber. There was never an easy reunion for us.

"How could you not tell me, Sosfena?" His voice both hurt and stern as he called me by my given name.

"Like you failed to tell me that you were coming back?"

"That was inevitable."

"I only wanted to give you good news, Roarke."

"You were carrying my child."

"And that outcome, too, was inevitable."


The following morning I awoke to the sound of Roarke's beating heart and the droning voice of Nalev, which I assumed meant that I was not really awake but still dreaming. I was incorrect.

Nalev opened the drapes allowing the early morning light to enter the room.

"What's he going on about?" I asked groggily.

"Morning briefing before breakfast."

"Did he even knock?"

"We're on a strict regiment. After breakfast we swim or fence, depending on the weather. Then onto Court."

Nalev held up a robe for me. I rolled out of bed and into it.

"Good morning, Lady Fenwick."

"Good morning, Erye."

"Can we work on the modesty, Fen?" Roarke asked.

"Are you the only person in the kingdom that doesn't know Nalev's gay?"

"Know, yes. Accepted, no." Nalev offered the distinction. "How is our dear friend Misha?"

"Missing you terribly."

"More trouble with Niko, I presume."

"Can we get back to the agenda?" Roarke persisted uncomfortably.

"Of course, Your Highness." Nalev replied.

Zbinka and a team of servants burst into the room with food and fresh floral arrangements and set a sumptuous table of breakfast breads and fruit for our enjoyment. Nalev stopped mid-sentence, approached her and kissed her on the cheek.

"Good morning, darling," she replied warmly. Then she turned to me. "Lady Fenwick, you look dreadful."

While the comment was probably rooted in fact since I was up all night crying, it was a reminder of what drove me crazy with Ksennia. What was it with these two?


It was impossible to remain angry with Zbinka, especially when her numerous connections as both high society diva and political activist allowed me the lovely parting gift of no less than 40 young men, many of whom had been "misplaced" Houseborne, and a dozen young women eager to study at the much underutilized university at Gelassi. They brought with them both the blessings and financial backing of their wealthy parents. This enabled me to work with father on funding for the school and opening the doors to those less fortunate.

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When perservance is your only miracle, from Fen's Memoirs

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Proper homes were being planned and erected in Gelassi and the tents packed up in the storehouse beside the armory. More and more the lines and angles were becoming straight and most houses could survive a proper storm. Ornamental gardens were maturing and the dust from the roads and walkways minimized by river rock.

Eyre Nalev visited the settlement often and his presence seemed to subdue Vay to a certain degree. Any calming factor was welcome. The new mandate in Gelassi was for education. Since there were not many children around, this was primarily meant to convince the Houseborne that it was time for them to undo the wrong done to them by generations of societal abuse. A beautiful, almost palatial structure was built for scholarly endeavors and the women of the House quickly filled it with their countless volumes of knowledge that they had been scribing if not authoring for centuries.

The friction between the silken intellectuals and the trained killers had not dissipated much, nor had it turned into great lusty romances that would at very least have provided the next generation of settlers. No, it was only tension that permeated every blessed encounter day in and day out. Therefore, the mandate was designed to bring the whole situation to an immediate head. The men would either take their education seriously or they would be subjected to an arranged marriage, placing us in the match-making business, even though our personal relationships should have clearly shown our incompetency in such matters.

It was during this time that I received word that Roarke had taken ill and wasn't responding to either women or strong drink, which were Burgi's infamous remedies. I didn't bother to respond by messenger but gathered my things and left with only the briefest note to Misha and Tironik about where I was going.

I arrived at a small, dirty lodging called "The Restful Arms." Burgi was inside giving his sermon on unification from a tabletop in the bar. His presentation skills had gotten much better, even without his other half. I ordered a drink and sat down.

Many boos and hisses later, Burgi was finished and sat down beside me. "Fenaway, how are you?" He glowed as much as from his sense of mission as the drink.

"I am well, Burgi. I see that they're hearts have not opened to the truth."

"It will happen. I must persevere." He took another drink. "I don't know what to do about Roarke. I'm at my wit's end."

"He walks in darkness."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"The same darkness that claimed his uncle and sister." I stated.

"Come now, Fen. He was just fine. How could he suffer from the same illness?"

"He is fine one day then he is not. That is the way it has been since the killings."

"Well, what can we do?" Burgi asked.

"Wait."

"That's a relief. It's already been two weeks, so he should be done soon. We have a lot of work to do."

"I'm afraid that your timetable has no meaning to him now."

"It is not my timetable!" He was indignant.

"I understand. I will see what I can do."

Eburgistraten tossed a key on the table and took another drink. "Thank you," I said and walked away.

Roarke was sleeping when I entered the room. After setting down my things, I opened the drapes just enough to for some gentle illumination. He stirred.

"Hello, Roarke." I said as I sat beside him on the bed and placed my hand gently on his arm. He rolled onto his back and looked at me blankly.

"Hello, Fen," he said quietly.

"I'm afraid Burgi's mission doesn't allocate much time and energy for patience."

"Why would they send me on a mission and not make me well? It doesn't make any sense, Fen. Of what use to them I am I like this?" His voice cracked as he spoke.

I moved my hand to his chest and he grasped it with both of his. "I don't think anyone can answer that. But it will pass. It always does."

"I was sure it would all be different. I wanted to believe so badly. And now, everything seems so futile."

"Burgi needs you. I just came from his afternoon talk and it is lacking your warmth and sincerity."

"I have nothing to give."

"Maybe not today. Perhaps tomorrow, or the next day. The darkness will lift."

"Look at me, Fen. No money, no country... I've given up everything for this mission. Why, Fen? Why?"

"I don't know. I can only offer to stay by your side and help you. But you have to find your way back."

"I'm not sure I can this time."

"You have to, Roarke. Do you have any idea what it would do to D'Hir to lose you like this? He is so afraid this will await him."

"D'Hir is strong. He is untouched by this."

"You forget that I know him better than probably anyone else. There is so much pain that he dares not show you. " I paused. "I know that you love him very much and that the reason that seduced me was to get him out of the contract."

"Fen--" he began.

"Don't deny it, Roarke. It will do you no good because I know it to be true in my own heart. And once you changed your mind about me you wanted to fix the mistake you made and make everything right for your son. I can forgive you for being wrong. Can you?"

He turned away from me again. I kissed him on the ear. I walked over to my bag and took out my lyre. My lessons from the priestess had not produced much in the way of easily recognizable music, but I trusted that even my feeble attempts would mean something to Roarke.



After spending much time on the road with Roarke and Eburgistraten a messenger from my father finally caught up with me. This time he wasn't ordering me.

"That's poetic," I said to my companions. "He wants to put his bastard child in charge of the settlement."

"Replacing Tironik?" Eburgistraten asked.

"Replacing Naeri." I replied. "Burgi, could you please excuse us for a few moments?"

"I'll be in the bar drinking to your good fortune." After Eburgistraten left there was an unsettling silence. "Roarke, I need to do this."

"Of course."

"Come back with me," I pleaded.

"I can't."

"Burgi will find someone else. He's gaining support. You hate doing this." I insisted.

"Even if that were all true... "

"It is."

"Yes, it is." He paused and took my hands in his. "Fen, you tempt me with that which my heart desires most, but I must see this through."

Next ->

"Imposter and the Madman," from Fen's Memoirs

<- Previous

The next day Burgi decided that we would return triumphantly to Kanabulan where he would announce that all three kingdoms, and the infant settlement of Gelassi, will be joined together in perfect union as prescribed by the holy forces of our world. Given his strong paternal bond with Naeri, his life-long friendship with Hezason and the fact that he was in all actuality the rightful king of Kanabulan, the outcome could have been much better.

Queen Naeri was not only quite eager to see her father but was apologetic that Hezason had already left for his visit to their northern most court of Cimonea. There we exchanged pleasantries over supper before Burgi revealed the details of his mission. Naeri gave us her utmost attention before having a servant show us to our quarters. She would would be traveling to Cimonea with her attendants the following morning and assured us that she would discuss the details with Hezason at once.

Feeling quite jubilant at the encounter we decided to move for Cznorh early the next morning. The day was bright and our spirits high as we entered the capital. Then our hopes were quickly dashed to pieces as D'Hir was too busy to receive us and Eyre Nalev seemed similarly indisposed. It seemed that Rad'en' was designated to deal with us. Rad'en' was so charming that I needed to continually remind myself that we were being snubbed.

This continued for several days and we got no further along. To make matters worse we received a word that King Hezason had flatly refused to collaborate with an "obvious impostor and a madman." He also made sure to order me back to my duties in Gelassi as Tironik's aide. I was still showing the two dejected kings around Gelassi when Misha informed us that rather than risk any further discord with either parent country, the official position would be to stay neutral. In other words, the men could stay long enough to rest and contemplate their next move. Assuming that it was to continue with their holy mission, they would be asked to find another base for operations. Eburgistraten and Roarke, fully dedicated to their just cause, left Gelassi a short while later.

Next ->

"I Cheated," by Misha

<- Previous

Fen decided to join me in Gelassi where we threw ourselves into our labor. We wondered when or if we would ever see those we loved again, but refrained from giving shape to those fears and insecurities. Eburgistraten had been gone for years and there was little hope of his return. So after only a few days, a messenger caught me completely by surprise with a note from Tironik.

My Dear Misha,

There has been an accident. Nalev has been gravely injured and I alone have stayed behind to take care of him. I know what he means to you, to all of us, and I could not leave him in the care of strangers. I pray that you and Fen reach us in time.

Yours, Niko

We arrived at the tiny Inn of the Teapot and found Tironik reading to the non-responsive and heavily bandaged Nalev in a small room to one side of the kitchen. Tironik got up at once to greet us with a hearty embrace then poked his head outside to call to the cook for some food.

"What happened? Robbers?" I asked.

"He lost his footing on some slippery rocks and tumbled a good way down. It was just an accident. It could have happened to any of us."

"What about the rest of the party?" Fen asked.

"I've sent scouts to find their trail, to see if they made it to the next stop, but to no avail. It's like they just vanished. There was so much confusion after the accident. I'm sorry that I don't have better news."

"He's said nothing?" I sat beside Lev.

"He said, 'I cheated'. That was really all. He's been in and out since then, never much longer than to take a few drinks."

"Niko, let's go wait on the food." Fen suggested.


I wasn't hungry. Rad'en' soon arrived said his greetings and left for the bar with Niko and Fen. I suppose I wasn't much better company than Lev. My attempts at reading to him proved futile because I kept getting choked up. Why did he always get himself into such grave danger? And why did I still care? The answer to both was simple: Lev was Lev.

Hours passed as I stayed by his bed. I must have drifted off because I remember waking up to fingers passing through my hair. It felt very comfortable and peaceful so I laid still for a few moments. Then I remembered where I was. I had fallen asleep on Lev's arm while leaning out of my chair. I looked up at him and smiled.

"You look like shit," Lev proclaimed in a weak raspy voice.

I tried to quickly compose myself. "At death's door and all you could say was 'I cheated'." I handed him a cup. His shaky hands reached for it and I sat on the bed to help him. He was obviously in bad shape if he allowed my assistance.

"I knew I wasn't dying."

"You did, did you?"

"Well, perhaps there was some doubt in my mind. I wouldn't want to upset things between you and the 'good doctor' though."

"When are you going to stop trying to protect me from my own life?" I asked.

He took another drink and said, "I love you."

"Thank you."

"Did that somehow make all the problems between us magically vanish?"

"Not at all." I leaned over, kissed his forehead and whispered, "There wouldn't be any fun in that."

He let out a small laugh that probably hurt his cracked ribs because he winced terribly, but his hand rested on my leg and I felt closer to him that I had in a very long time.

"How did you do it?" I asked. He looked confused so I elaborated, "How did you manage to cheat?"

He laughed and winced again. "I'm actually a very good card player."

"Not from what I've seen," I corrected.

"First time I you walked in with Savlii, I wanted you so badly that I couldn't see straight. I lost that game fair and square. But it got me thinking--" he began.

"You deliberately lost a fortune just to lull him into a false sense of superiority?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Bull shit!"

"Am I not a brilliant strategist?"

"You're alright."

"Alright?!" He huffed.


Rad'en' cleared his throat as he walked through the doorway. He quipped, "Well I too am happy you're not dead, father." He gently hugged Lev and sat on the other side of the bed.

"My son," he beamed and held onto his hand. "So where is your mother? If everyone was anticipating my demise, where is she?"

"Permanently stuck in her throne, father. A rumor has been started that her throne has been fitted with a chamber pot so she need never be far from it and she actually empties the entire court when she wants to make use of it."

"What a dreadful rumor, Rad'en'. One that could only have been perpetrated by someone that knows her very well."

"Indeed," Rad'en' chuckled.

"Misha, do you think you could find me something to eat? I nice fat steak would do nicely."


I left and returned with a bowl of warm gruel, the "good doctor" and Fen now armed with the lute she had just purchased from a shop down the street to help lift the patient's spirits. It was difficult to tell which he was least enthusiastic about seeing.

"How are we feeling, Nalev?" Tironik asked.

Lev didn't answer, turning all his concentration onto the blandness of the food. Fen began playing a happy tune, but none too well; Lev grimaced.

"At least my wife was concerned enough to visit," I chided him.

To the unaccustomed ear his response must have sounded like him clearing the nasty gruel from his throat. As Lev was never one to acquiesce even the most trivial of points, I knew he muttered Go fuck yourself.

Once he finished eating he turned to Tironik and said, "Where are the King and Paynor?"

"Not here," I informed him.

"They continued on, Nalev. I sent a tracker after them once I got you settled here. There's been no sign of them," Tironik stated.

"That can't be," Lev muttered. "There's no way they could have continued on without me. Only a trained priest can open the portal."

"Perhaps Roarke's knowledge is more extensive than you think," I suggested.

"Absolutely not. He told me he needed me. Do you think I wanted to vanish into oblivion with him? I'm no fool."

Fen stopped playing and quietly excused herself.



There were no easy fixes in life, at least not mine. Lev never was a good patient and the 'good doctor' had his work cut out for him. I stayed on with Fen and Rad'en' for a few days longer, then it was time to get back to our other obligations. It would be quite some time before Tironik deemed Lev fit to be moved so I resolved to visit as often as I could and write them both daily.

It was difficult to tell what provided more discomfort during my visits, Lev's complaining or the fact that the two of them were conspiring against my sanity. I had been under the impression that being honest with both of them was the right solution. Certainly a decision on my part would greatly help to sort the whole mess out straight away. Neither of them agreed. They saw no benefit in hasty action. In stead, each was completely confident that the short-comings of the other would prove their downfall and they would be perfectly patient, waiting for fate to run its course.

Next ->

Following the Music, from Fen's Memoirs

<- Previous

I returned to my friends in the court and contemplated a visit back to Kanabulan to see Hetta, possibly even my father. Misha and Nalev spent endless hours talking about plans for Gelassi and incorporating the Houseborne into the settlement. They had hopes that I could soften my father's relationship with the growing militarily trained population encroaching on his eastern border. The women of the House were being gradually moved into the settlement to make it seem less intimidating, at least to the outside observer. Truth was that the brothers and sisters of the House seemed not only diametrically opposed but poised to destroy the other rather than mating and forming a stable, sustainable town. With all of that chaos, sex and violence, how could I not want to get involved?

Before too long Roarke had resurfaced and could be found from time to time, in all places, on his throne. I kept my distance from him.

One night after supper I heard music coming from the hallway. I walked outside to listen. After a few moments the small band of three men slowly walked away from me. I had nothing better to do so I followed them. They traveled up and down the corridors and eventually into the royal gardens. I hesitated, but followed them there as well. Although I was afraid that Roarke was trying to meet with me to beg for forgiveness, but he was nowhere to be found. Consequently, I got to enjoy the music on my own. After a while I started to walk away and the band followed me. I went over to the pond and lay down on the ground watching the stars while I listened to my private concert.

It was rather relaxing and I fell asleep. They were still playing when I awoke. It was sweet, but I was cold from the ground and wanted my bed. I walked back to my room, the band following me all the way. I opened my door, turned to them and said goodnight. It didn't seem like they were going to leave.

When I entered my room I found all of my things from Belaurii had been brought in and there were candles and flowers everywhere. There was a note on my table.

"I wanted you to feel at home. Your mother graciously assisted. -R"

I put the note in my desk drawer, along with the other letters from Roarke and his shirt. Then as the band played on, I fell into a restful slumber in the comfort of my bed.


The next morning I actually sought out Roarke, only to find that he had left to complete his mission to save the world and taken Nalev, Tironik and Paynor with him.

Next ->

When It All Comes Together, from Fen's Memoirs

<- Previous

After being well cared for by the entire court, I was ready to return to the side of my beloved for better or worse. I expected to knock on the tower door and resume where we left off. Roarke had other intentions. With my body, mind and soul in such disarray, I didn't care about his intentions and I banged on the door and screeched at him until I heard the latch lifted on the other side.

I slowly opened the door myself and walked into the dark tower, lit only by one solitary candle on one of the tables. Roarke shuffled back to corner he was using for a bed. I went to the table and sat down. "Thank you." I said firmly. There was no reply. Judging from the scrolls before me, Roarke had been following a lead to the whereabouts of the missing stone--right into the grave of a Belauriian Queen some two thousand years before the entrapment. Knowing that a sacred burial site would be off limits even to him, he was again in despair.

"What was it, Roarke? A necklace?"

"A ring."

"You're sure it was a ring?"

"I saw a drawing of Queen Abernathy with the ring in the '7th Book of Knowledge'." Roarke muttered.

"Where is that?"

"Over there."

"Were in a large, dark room. Do you think you could be more helpful."

"Third bookshelf to the right of the central window, halfway down, large --"

"You know they all look alike. I'm trying to help you here, Roarke." I scolded him.

He got up and went straight to the book and placed it on the table next to the open scroll. In a few moments he had found the picture with the details of the jeweler who designed the ring for her and had already started to walk away.

I studied the drawing carefully then smiled. "You won't find it in her grave."

"I know I won't. There's no way to have her exhumed. She's buried in sacred soil in Belaurii."

"You don't need to exhume anyone. That ring wasn't buried with her."

"Of course it was. It says so..."

"Do you believe everything you read? I'm telling you I know where that ring is." I tried to wait it out to get back some of his enthusiasm.

"Where is it?" He didn't believe me for a moment.

"With my former mistress. It's her most prized possession."

"And how did Dophe get it?"

"How should I know? But she has it. I've seen it dozens of times. She used to stare at while she was losing at cards. You couldn't miss it. Now how do we get our hands on it... I have an idea. We could get D'Hir--"

"Absolutely not."

"You didn't even hear me out."

"D'Hir must have nothing to do with this!" He snapped.

"You've become an insufferable kranch."

"And you've exhausted your welcome. Goodbye, Fen."

Next ->

Breath, from Fen's Memoirs

<- Previous

The warm afternoon sunlight called me back to a reality that I had longed for while in the tower. It would have been good to see Misha and catch up, but I knew he was still in Gelassi. Nalev had invited me to join him for supper in his private quarters and I accepted. The rumors were true and I was in love with a madman. Keeping close ties with the real power in Eltesnia couldn't hurt the situation as I saw it.

My intuition was correct. I had a wonderful time with Nalev, Zbinka and Rad'en', who was actually quite charming when not subjected to Misha. The rivalry was clearly between the young men because Zbinka had nothing but praise for Misha and his years of service to her husband. Nor did Nalev seem to mind the many successive paramours with whom Zbinka spends most of her time and inheritance.

Zbinka, it seems had used her charm, sophistication and nerves of steel to organize the coup that forced Paynor from his seat of usurped power right into the very prison cell he had used for Nalev. As proud as she was about her involvement and Rad'en's, she was a bit sketchy on the details of the entire Council's demise. Being raised in no less than three courts, I knew when propriety demanded me to hold my peace. After all, they weren't asking about the father of my child. And that worked out perfectly. More perfectly than the pregnancy itself.


A few short days later I suffered my first miscarriage. D'Hir was first to come to my aid. Sweet D'Hir who I'd practically raised since he was five years old. Before long Misha was at my side. I was thankful that it was a short ride to Gelassi from Cznorh. Messengers came regularly from Neopar to check on my recovery, but nothing from Roarke who was not returning messages from his tower. He knew what had happened, but the darkness had overtaken him once more and we had no strength to spare one for the other.

Next ->

That Answer is Unacceptable, from Fen's Memoirs

<- Previous

"Don't be absurd, Nalev. I just saw him yesterday," I protested. I had been to Roarke's library and was denied entrance.

"He will not see you now. He doesn't accept my visits when he's like this."

"Are you saying you're running the country?"

"I lend my assistance where ever it's needed. Right now, I must prepare Arbanji to lead."

"You simply dismiss your King?"

"Eltesnia has been through much and we must be strong."

"It tears at him for what he did to Paynor."

"Paynor is in prison where he can do no further harm to anyone."

"In prison?" I asked in disbelief.

"Yes." Nalev's eyes set on me. "What did he tell you, child?"

"Roarke told me that he cut his head off while he slept."

"You can not begin to imagine the agony and isolation of what the king has been through. Whatever stories he has told you are very real to him."

"How long will he stay there?"

"It's difficult to say. Perhaps a few days. Time means nothing to him when he's like this."

"Thank you for seeing me, Nalev."

I held out my hand. Nalev kissed it and said with a nod, "Lady Fenwick."


Day after day I returned to the tower and slid my letters under the door. It was so cold and silent. I hardly ever heard any sound from inside. Soon I started to take a small stool with me and busy myself with needlework while I made idle one-sided chatter with the silent royal guards. It would be nearly three weeks of tenaciously waiting before my luck would change.

This time when I said good morning to my two resolute statues, one responded, "You may enter." I thanked them kindly and walked in to the library.

The entire tower was the library. Books, scrolls, maps and artifacts lined countless shelves and tables. Highly ornate and jewel encrusted swords hung on the walls. There were a few large tapestries suspended in an odd arrangement in one corner of the room. It was from there that I heard Roarke's voice.

"Fenaway, in here." He called.

I stepped inside the make-shift room to find Roarke soaking in a bath, attended to by four servants. There was scarcely room for me but he motioned for me to have a seat on a chair out of the way.

"Your Highness." I greeted him warily.

"I wanted to speak with you, Fenaway." His voice was full of energy. "I had hoped to be done with all this before you got here. It feels just too damn good to be in here. This is the fourth bath they drew for me today."

"Perhaps Your Highness is in need of a vacation by the sea."

"Probably right." He reached for a piece of fruit from a small table beside the tub and tossed it to me before taking one for himself. "But there's something more pressing at the moment and I'm hoping you might be of assistance." He motioned to his servants. "You may leave."

"Of course." I replied humbly.

Roarke quickly ate his fruit. I could tell from the mostly untouched trays of food left outside the library door that he hadn't eaten much in the past weeks. Though I tried not to seem uneasy, I found myself studying the fruit in my hand and slowly ate, enjoying what little distraction I had available.

"Hand me my towel."

I stood and complied with his request. He lost his balance getting out of the tub and I reached out to steady him. He thanked me then gave me a very awkward quick kiss on the lips before taking a bite out of the apple in my hand. Roarke wrapped himself in a robe and walked out of the tapestries.

"Out here, Fen." He poked his head back inside and motioned for me to join him.

Roarke was anxious to tell me all about his vast library and the holy mission he was on to put the world back into balance. His voice was higher than usual as he tried to fit volumes of information and conjecture into one morning. My head reeled trying to keep up with him but his giddiness and enthusiasm were intoxicating and contagious. I marveled at his behavior and wondered if he was ever truly the same person twice.

"The answer is here, Fenaway, I know it. It's just a matter of finding the right connection. Now that you're here I can just about taste success."

"You want me to help you?"

"Yes, oh, yes. I should have sent for you a long time ago. You're the only one that makes sense."

I had to agree with him.


Roarke had some of my things sent up to the tower and tagged along with him on his intellectual and spiritual journey. He read, studied, pontificated and puzzled almost without ceasing. Time began to lose meaning for me and its passage was most noticeable by the growth of the child within me. It had been a while since I had seen Misha, or anyone other than the guards outside the tower door. He had sent me a letter saying that he was going to Gelassi with Nalev to work on the settlement. It was odd that he didn't come to say goodbye in person, but at that time most things were extraordinary, and not always in the good way.

The first time I saw Roarke reading from the forbidden books of the imponderables I felt myself grow pale and weak. He insisted that he was working to achieve a greater good and that he could not be bound by superstitious conventions. He could be tried for heresy and I along with him for being party to his betrayal of the tenants. Adeptly he quoted centuries of scholars and priests to prove his point. Of course, all of them had died a horrible and tragic death as heretics to prove mine.

The imponderables, it seemed, could be controlled or at least manipulated as in the entrapment of the Lane. When Eburgistraten freed the Lane, it was only half of the solution.

"Jaun Sei cites legends from the oral tradition of 'Chasing Seera.' But, you see, it is actually Seera who is doing the chasing." Roarke was quite emphatic.

"Seera is chasing ... the Lane?" I was confused.

"Yes, you do see!" He embraced me for a quick moment then practically jumped backward toward an open scroll. "In his sonnet number 57 he speaks of the Ara not as the innocent of Dzai tradition, but as an ancient. And an ancient prisoner at that. She seduced him and gave birth to a child she called Aloyna. When the Aloyna was a little girl, Ara told Seera that she drowned in the River Iber. But she hadn't died at all but was sent to live with a far away tribe of people. Jaun Sei contends that it is through Aloyna that the sight was born. Seera, it is said, must track Ara through each of his reincarnations to protect us all."

I looked him in disbelief.

"Jaun Sei was one of the few writers of the imponderables not to be put to death."

"Only exiled from Belaurii after starting a civil war." I stated flatly. As the mistress of Neopar, I knew all about both the rift and the prophecy of reunification.

"He was Nalev's grandfather. Life is full of little ironies." Roarke chuckled.

"Wasn't it the stone that allowed the entrapment?"

"Absolutely. A stone unique in all the world. Probably not even from this world."

"And it was returned with Ara Lane."

"Yes."

"Then please tell me what we are looking for."

"The stone, my Fenaway, was split in two in ancient times. When we find the missing stone, we can open the portal between the worlds and send Seera through."

"Seera?"

"Seera."

"You know where Seera is?"

"Metaphorically speaking, of couse."

"Does he exist? Yes or no?"

"Yes."

"And you know who he is?"

"Yes." His voice was more somber now. "He is Paynor."

"Paynor? Why would you think it is Paynor?"

"What more do you want from me, Fen?"

"The truth, Roarke. We can face it together." I pleaded.

"One answer and you look upon me with pity, another and it is with horror. How is it possible for me to choose between the two?"

"I have pledged myself to you. It is enough for me that you know the truth."

Roarke turned away from me and said, "I think you should go now."

Next ->

Audience, from Fen's Memoirs

<- Previous

We reached Cznorh the following evening finding food and lodging, the latter being of more personal interest. Weary and dust-covered from the ride, my preoccupation was seeking audience with Roarke. The wait was maddening. Days passed with each request either ignored or denied. We tried to contact Nalev and even D'Hir, but still did not receive the sought after response.

Finally, it was Nalev's son Rad'en' who agreed to meet with us in the acting Queen's quarters. I had heard much about him from Misha. While Zbinka was always boastful of her husband's principles and character, Rad'en' was anything but. Because he was an officer in the King's Army his father and his page were a constant cause for ridicule. He often railed against his mother that she had nothing to do all day but have tea, make idle conversation and throw lavish parties. More often than not, his anger was stored up for those rare occasions where he and Misha were together. At their last encounter, Rad'en' informed him that if he crossed back into Eltesnia he would be killed on sight.


It was fortuitous that I felt ill and lost my supper all over Rad'en' before he and Misha could resort to anything stronger than insults. Begrudgingly, he said he would speak with his father on our behalf.


Two long days later, I was granted my audience with the king.


I was scarcely more than a child when I last was present in the court at Cznorh. As I had no desire to encounter either D'Hir or Zyta, I considered myself fortunate that there were no familiar faces to welcome me. Eyre Nalev received us then directed me to follow a guard to the royal gardens.


I had to look for quite a while to find Roarke who was pacing quietly throughout one of the many secluded pathways near the center of the gardens near the pond. The chill was from more than the morning air when he spoke to me.

"Lady Fenwick."

"King Roarke," I replied with a faint curtsy. "So good of you to receive me."

He looked at me with a blank expression that was a poor mask for his annoyance with my persistence.

"You have put me in a very awkward position by coming to my court. Do you know how many times I have heard from King Neopar since you and Misha wandered off?"

"It was not my intent to inconvenience anyone by my actions. I did what I believe to be best for all concerned. "

"Is it true?"

I knew that he was referring to my being pregnant and only hoped that his sense of propriety might hamper any further questions. He studied me from head to toe and although I didn't much care for his condescending air.

"Yes."

"Do you have any idea what I've been through here?"

"I felt your pain as I read your letters and wished with all of my being for a way to ease your languish."

"This was not it."

"No, I don't suppose it was."

"You may stay."

"You are most generous, your highness." I nodded politely while trying to maintain my composure from the giddiness I felt bubbling up.

It turned out to be my breakfast bubbling up. But I was content, none the less.

Next ->

Leaving Belaurii, from Fen's Memoirs

<- Previous

Misha had recuperated from his run-in with the Lord of Inger and back to his usual routine. It was none-too-soon for me. My mother seemed unavoidable around the court. Ompar's gregarious nature began to wear me down. It had been too long since Roarke's last correspondence and nearly three weeks since sweet, beautiful and petite Zyta had been set loose on an unsuspecting D'Hir. Everything was about to change.


I woke Misha, who was lying fully dressed on the bed, by poking his arm until he grumbled.

"I suppose you're ready, princess."

"Quite."

Next ->

"Companion, if you please," from Fen's Memoirs

<- Previous

Zyta's mother Serena was a very young woman when Misha came to live with her family. At the age of five, all Houseborne males were separated into two groups: those who would remain and become the next generation of priests and the majority that would be reared by host families in Cznorh proper. The host family provided the basics of food, shelter and a clothing until the child turned twelve and began their training at the military academy.

Serena was the youngest of three children and the only girl. When her mother passed away Serena and Misha became inseparable. Unfortunately Serena's father didn't care much for Misha. The sounds of laughter and frivolity always seemed to set him off, at least when he'd been drinking. On more than one occasion he'd erupt in to into a fit of anger usually directed at Serena. Misha would intervene, but to no avail. Soon enough Misha turned twelve and Serena never saw him again.

One of Serena's brothers became an officer in the secular army. The other sibling was killed in a hunting accident.

"With no one to leave his jewelry business to, it was passed on to my mother and father when the old man finally died."

She still hadn't gotten to why she was here and I didn't care what sad heart story she was weaving. I didn't like her. She reminded me of every fair young maiden that ripped me to pieces in not one, not two but all three courts. And she was going to be set lose on D'Hir.

"My mother included Misha in her will. At the end of the holy war my father and I set off to find him. With their army disbanded and with no place to go the Houseborne scattered. A good number had surrendered to the Kanabulan army and later offered to take up arms with them against the secular army when the war continued. Some turned to begging or stealing. At any rate, most were considered criminals."

"Misha, being the legendary oldest page of all time..." Neopar started.

"Companion. If you please."

"And a fine companion you are. Misha was not terribly difficult to find. Zyta's father traveled all the way to Belaurri to carry out Serena's dying wish. Isn't that beautiful?"

"When did all of this happen?"

"While you were out galloping about the countryside, I'm sure." Neopar quipped.

"What other secrets are you hiding from me?" I asked Misha.

"None," he responded. I knew him well enough to believe him despite his curt tone.

"How does all this make her suitable for service? What makes you think she'll be successful with D'Hir?"

"I have no choice," Zyta replied softly.

"What she means to say is that her father has accepted a position as, um, something or other, in an undisclosed location until they can be safely be reunited."

"Neopar, you're holding him prisoner?" I accused more than asked.

"He is a guest, a very closely guarded guest, but a guest none the less." Neopar turned to Zyta. "Well, my child, I believe it's time we said good night."

"I almost forgot," Zyta went back into Misha's bedroom. She returned with a neatly folded shirt. "Misha asked me to take care of this."

I took the shirt, thanked her and showed the two of them out. After closing the door I turned abruptly to Misha.

"Tell me her mission is really D'Hir."

"Her mission is D'Hir. She's really a sweet child, Fen. I think you're overreacting."

"I bet she has fabulous feet," I muttered under my breath. "Was that part of the plan," I gestured to his side.

"A scratch was part of the plan, but that was too difficult for such a mediocre swordsman as the Lord of Inger."

"How much did her mother leave you?"

"Enough to retire from this lap of luxury to one of my own design."

"When are you leaving?"

"When my job is finished."

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Sometimes You Just Misjudge People, from Fen's Memoirs

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It was the night of the great feast after the fast of Purlong. I was always surprised when it was celebrated in Belaurii because it wasn't yearly as it was in the House and Cznorh. I also found it interesting that there were more Dzai living in Belaurii than anywhere else. Later I would discover that it was because Belaurii had much to gain from the great war yet suffered few casualties.

Most of my knowledge of Dzai customs and rituals were imparted to me by Hetta. Hetta's mother was a member of the House and an expert seamstress who decided to leave and marry a wealthy patron. That was unusual for two reasons: the patrons from Kanabulan were rarely well to do and apostasy was not dealt with lightly.

Her parents rose to quasi fame as dress designers for the court of Olan, but the knew the real money was in Cznorh and Belaurii --that the House had ways of carrying out commerce even across enemy lines. A mutually beneficial agreement was drawn up that, in addition to the monetary benefit to both parties, the official standing of Hetta's mother was upgraded from "heretic" all the way to "friend and benefactor."


I watched the doctor stitch up the gash Misha's side while he lay on our dining table and couldn't help but reminded of Hetta and all of her stories.

"I've never seen you lose, Misha."

"It has been known to happen, just not of late." He winched slightly as the needle went in and out of his flesh. "Don't you have something better to do? I'm alright."

"The King wanted me to check on you."

"You know, I really thought the Lord of Inger liked men. I still do."

"We all thought that. Perhaps you weren't his type."

"First, all humility aside, just look at me."

"All done, Misha. Take it easy until it heals." The doctor began to clean up his supplies.

"Thank you, doctor."

"Second, even if it were in the remotest sense possible, that would hardly be cause to try to kill me."

"Certainly killed the party." I paused. "Can I ask you something...?"

"I'm not telling you where I hid his shirt. I cant stand to see you moping about in that dirty thing." Misha snapped.

"Forget the shirt. It's been over four months since I've heard from him."

"He doesn't write to me, dear."

"Nalev does."

"And I've let you read the letters from him."

"All of them?"

"Yes, all of them. Everything from Nalev is about politics and the settlement. When King Roarke shuts himself up in his library he sees no one, not even Nalev. I assure you, Fen, this has little to do with you."

"Now let's get you up and some where more comfortable." The doctor helped move Misha to the couch.

"Thank you."

"Good night to you both." The doctor nodded and left.

"Misha...?"

"Is it going to be one of those nights, Fen?"

"No, I could leave you here in pain, but then who would you have to insult?"


The door opened and Neopar made an uncharacteristically quiet entrance.

"Well it seems that yours truly has had a better night than either of you." He paused and turned to Misha. "How are you?"

"Fine."

"Good, good. I just had the most interesting talk with the Lord of Inger." The King poured himself a drink and finished it as Misha and myself waited.

"I wouldn't want you to forget, Neopar," Misha condescended. Most people have wanted to kill Misha at some point or another, but not Ompar. Misha was many things, but not a fool.

"No, I won't." He poured himself another drink. "How thoughtless of me," he gestured with the bottle and his glass.

"No, thank you," I responded.

"The Lord of Inger is terrified, yes, I believe I can say that without undue exaggeration. He has evidence that someone in Belaurii was behind the coup in Cznorh."

"Did he name them?" Misha asked.

"Not as such. But only the Queen is capable of instilling such utter terror. We need to get the Lord into Cznorh for questioning and safe-keeping. Are you well enough to ride?"

"Of course he isn't. He'd bleed to death on the way. I'll go."

"I don't know who I can trust to send with you."

"Speed is all I have. Tell me where he is, and I'll take care of the rest."

"I'll have horses made ready."

"There are 550 guests leaving as we speak, finding two horses saddled up and ready to ride will not be a problem for me."


The horses were not the problem. Unfortunately, the Lord of Inger was not waiting in Neopar's study and no one in his entourage had seen him. I went back to tell the men the devastating news but also that I would continue on to Cznorh to question the one person who might be motivated to speak against Queen Dophe: D'Hir.

"Absolutely not," responded Neopar.

"I'll be fine."

In your current state of panic you're a menace to us all."

"But, I've done what you asked of me. And the Lord of Inger --."

"No, you did exactly as I expected you would do and created a frenzied diversion to confuse the Queen and her allies. The Lord is quite safe and already in transit. As for D'Hir, he does need to be questioned, but by no means is that going to be left up to you. Lady Zyta will go."

"Zyta the laundry servant? When did she become a Lady?" I inquired.

"When Ompar was firmly convinced that I could be trusted," was Zyta's reply as she stepped out of Misha's bedroom.

"Ompar?" I repeated.

"Someone's jealous," Misha smirked.

Zyta was young, fair and sweet. I hated her. "I am wounded, King Neopar, that I should be left out of plans of such importance."

"I came here in search of Misha," Zyta said. "Nothing more..."

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